Ottawa From the Down Side Up

Update, finally!

2011-09-21T14:58:00.000-04:00

So the Conservatives are finally starting to have fun with their majority. We all knew this day would come -- when we would be forced to helplessly sit at the sidelines and watch while these idiots we call 'representatives' shove through legislation so hard it hurts me to even think about it.

The Cons have introduced an 'omnibus' bill, which already sounds like a bad idea, called the "Safe Streets and Communities Act". Wait a second -- don't we already have a "Safe Streets Act"? And wasn't it a complete failure? This new bill combines a bunch of old ones that got killed, repeatedly, whether from Mr. Harper destroying democracy by proroguing (sp?) Parliament, or by the parties defeating the Cons with a vote of no confidence.

The bill includes what we originally knew as Bill C-26, then eventually Bill S-10, both of which were quashed, and both of which I have talked about in previous entries. Basically, they want to instate mandatory minimums for drug-related offences (PDF in link (an excellent PDF at that)). The language in the bill is bland, at best, and has professionals and people across the country standing up and screaming "This is complete ideology -- there is no science to back this up!" Well, surprise, surprise -- this is a tried and true Conservative method of appeasing their base of voters. We're going to get tough on crime -- that's what Canadians told us they wanted! Well, actually, more people voted for anyone but the Cons, including the Orange Crush, and the huge number of people who actually stand up and use their voices are completely against this ideological invasion of democracy. How hard is it to study something, look at the results, and then base decisions off of that -- or, failing that, simply look at public opinion on the issue! Not to mention that the crime rate in Canada has been steadily falling -- but the politicians don't want you to know that.

In this insane article in the Winnipeg Free Press, Justice Minister Nicholson ADMITS that they aren't following statistics -- they're simply doing what THEY thing is right. Oh, and "Canadians" of course. I haven't spoken to a single Canadian who actually agrees with them, though, so they must be making people in underground labs to support their ideas.

"We’re not governing on the basis of the latest statistics," Justice Minister Rob Nicholson said at a news conference in suburban Brampton, Ont. "We’re governing on the basis of what’s right to better protect victims and law-abiding Canadians."

HELLO?!?! Anybody listening to this guy? Why on Earth would you not follow the lastest statistics? And to top it all off, in the Citizen today, there was an excellent article that very succinctly shows why this will never work the way people want it to. Using the recent case of Randall Hopley as an example, the editorial shows that Hopley was convicted multiple times, and served time behind bars each time, and was then released into the public. That's how justice works folks, I've been there myself. You do something wrong, they catch you, you go to jail, and then they release you (eventually, in most cases). Unless we're going to start locking people up indefinitely (which this government seems to want to do) then you have to offer some sort of rehabilitation.

The Prime Minister certainly doesn't like people like me actually thinking these things through -- which is why you MUST call your local MPs and make your voices heard! Even if you completely disagree with me, which I'm sure happens all the time, call your MP! Tell them! If nobody calls, then it's a one-man show, and I personally would not trust Stephen Harper to entertain a group of 3-year-olds even if he was painted up like a clown. Oh wait, he already IS painted up as a clown.

Or was that just a dream?

By the way -- this is a welcome back, and also a small departure. I'm 11 days clean, going to NA (yes, I know, I railed against them before) and also going to the ROH's Addictions and Mental Health Concurrent Disorders program. And things are going really well -- I'm happy and actually doing things again!

Also. On a very serious note. Rest in Peace Wendy Babcock. I miss you, even though we left on bad terms. I wish I could take it all back. I'm so sorry, but now in death you know the truth. I lay bare my soul to you, so you can hopefully see what I really meant to say, what I really meant to do.

Help save the CBC!

2011-01-04T12:38:00.000-05:00

So I'm not too happy to announce that nothing really that interesting has been happening in my life recently. I haven't been working with YSB for a while, and I'm no longer on the CSSDP's advisory board (as far as I know, anyway) because I couldn't make it to their annual conference.

I'm going to be doing an interview with Anne from helloottawa.ca sometime soon, and I'll be sure to post that as soon as I get a chance to.

For Christmas I got to see my mom, brother, uncle and grandmother all of whom I haven't seen in a long long while, so that was excellent. I also got tons of amazing gifts! Lots of new vinyl to listen to, most importantly. Oh, and I met my mom's new boyfriend and he's awesome, very cool and very Norwegian. Excellent!

Anyway, I give a lot of thought to posting new posts but I rarely get around to doing so ... I feel like I don't have much more to say. Plus I'm not doing as much activism as I was, even though I would love to still be doing it!!

So take care, everyone, and have a happy New Year!

Oh yeah -- and look below, sign the petition to save the CBC! If it weren't for them I wouldn't have discovered a bunch of amazing bands like Chic Gamine !!! Check out their track Days and Days if you can, they're amazing.

Gun safety and registry!

2010-09-27T19:47:00.001-04:00

What with all the hoo-ha over the gun registry recently, I wanted to put my two cents in. I got in a Facebook argument with someone I don't even know, and I was a little nervous that I might be wrong. I mean, I'm not used to being wrong -- I'm pretty sure I'm right most of the time, and when I'm not sure if I'm right I just say what I believe more vehemently and usually that shuts people up.

So, the gun registry. On Wednesday, it narrowly avoided being squashed. So what does this mean? Does the gun registry actually reduce crime, or more importantly, does it reduce gun injuries or deaths?

Well, the B.C. Association of Chiefs of Police seem to think so. Many "average Canadians" (a phrase Mr. Harper loves to use when trying to make it seem like he has more support than he does) also think so. The RCMP think so -- and generally, they know what they're talking about (with the obvious exception of prohibition and the drug war, in which case they have their heads just as far up their asses as their American counterparts). So why would the conservative government try to quash something so obviously important (or at least important to people who care about gun crime/deaths)?

Well, it seems to me that this once again falls under the category of political ideology. It seems like a contradiction, because typically Conservatives are the ones who are 'tough on crime' and 'cracking down on gun crime'. However, these particular Conservatives seem to have a slightly irregular political agenda, when compared with other Conservatives in Canadian history. Usually they are supporting business, and farmers, etc. And in this case this seems to be true: the people who own guns are the ones supporting the end of the gun registry. So even though this conflicts with their typical crime agenda, that doesn't matter -- they're just politicians, after all, and why should we expect politicians to listen to reason/science/the populace? I mean, their #1 goal is to stay in power, regardless of whether or not that is what the public actually wants. They want a majority, and they're willing to buy/bribe/blackmail/slander/smear/criticize/ignore/spin/idealize their way in at any cost. That's what politicians are supposed to do, right? That's why we vote for them -- to crush their opposition and slowly create a government based entirely around their party, cutting other voices out from the debate entirely until we have a one-party dictatorship in place.

I'm planning on voting either NDP or Green in the next election. I'm tempted to buy into the 'vote Liberal to get the Conservatives out' but to me, that is bullshit. When are people going to wake up and realize that you should vote for the person who accurately represents your needs, period? It seems so simple, but somehow our politcal machine has become so rusted and decrepit that an issue like the gun registry (which if everyone had ALL the facts about and were able to make their own unbiased decision would almost surely be supported by the people) becomes an idealized debate that isn't really about guns or crime but simply about making sure that your opposition doesn't get their way, even if you agree in spirit with what they are proposing.

This is the fundamental crisis that keeps me awake at night -- humanity faces much larger challenges than gun crime, yet we can't even work together on something as simple as that. Now what about drug laws, and climate change (which somehow, people are STILL denying is happening), and the economy? These issues can't even be discussed in the House of Commons because it turns into an ideological war -- attack the other side so what they said won't be quoted; instead your slur will be quoted and people will focus on that.

So, now that we're all thinking about it, I want to take this opportunity to remind you to go out and VOTE. Especially if you fall into a racial minority, or if you're a woman. You fought so long and hard for the vote and now it's power is slowly being usurped from you once again. I'm a white male and sometimes that sickens me, but unfortunately I don't have to endure the same things you do. If I were to NOT vote and then complain about the government afterward, I would expect to be lynched by these groups. So by voting and doing everything I can to help fix these problems and inequalities in our world I am able to at least sleep a few hours a night.

If YOU don't vote, then you don't belong in Canada. This is a country that is (supposedly) based on democratic, rational leadership, and it is the People's responsibility and right to ensure that this is what happens in this country. So please, go vote! and tell the government what you think. Contact your MP and MPP, and talk to you councillor. Make sure they understand what you want and that you'll only support them if they're meeting your needs, not if they demoralize their opponents.

Stay strong!

Can't afford no cheap thrills!

2010-07-22T19:14:00.000-04:00

I've been reading a lot in the past couple of weeks. When I was a lot younger, I think maybe 12 or 13, my uncle and his partnet gave me a stack of books by this author, Wilbur Smith. You may have heard of him -- he's more well-known than I thought. He's written countless books, most of them centered around his homeland, Africa. He has also written about the Middle East.

Typically, his books about Africa are based around their struggle for a voice and for independance, namely against the terrible crime of apartheid. He is an amazing author, and his words draw you in so quickly all of a sudden you've read a 1000 page book in 10 hours.

When they gave me these books (and there are a lot of them, most of them from his series about the 'Courtney' family, a fictitious, wealthy, white, influential family that in his novels spans most of the continents at the time, with some members in Great Britain, the Middle East, and Africa, mostly South Africa) I started to read some of them and lost interest very quickly. Only one of them, Warlock, stood out to me and I read it very quickly, and re-read it many times throughout my teenage years. Some of his books (most of them, actually) have scenes of very intimate & hot sex, which as an early teenager, was not only exciting but encouraged me to actually read the entire book, scouring for a scene that had some of this erotica in it. At the time I was basically slobbering over it, but I was raised on books (we rarely had cable) and I still appreciated how well-written it was.

However, in my recent quest to find some good reading material (I've been craving a good book), I opened up one of the many boxes in my room, and finally dug out one of his books, not sure what to expect. I remembered reading some of the Courtney series and being rather disinterested -- it seemed like one of those books that goes into way too much detail, and the sentences just go on and on, never really adding any depth to the paragraph, but rather just repeating themselves over and over, and it seemed quite useless for my then-reading appetite, and the style of the writng was rather verbose -- the sentences were very repititious and quite taxing to read; you find youself asking the author, will this sentence ever end? (sorry, I had to do it). But when I picked up Rage and started reading it -- I was stunned. How could I have passed up such wonderful and well-written literature?

Rage by Wilbur Smith

Rage is set in post-colonial South Africa, where the main Courtney character, Shasa Courtney, is a semi-influential man, living in a palatial estate called Weltevreden (Afrikaans for "Well Satisfied"), with, naturally, a whole contingent of black servants to serve his and his family's every need. They also tend to the large vineyards, which produces some of the best wine in the country.

His counterpart, Moses Gama, is a middle-aged man from the Ovambo tribe of South Africa. He has the rage of the people burning inside him, the flames constantly licking at his soul, and it threatens to destroy him. However, he has the patience of his people, and the intelligence to match that of his rival, Shasa Courtney (who, although is somewhat portrayed as a bad person, you can't help feeling some empathy toward him -- he doesn't have any direct resentment toward the black population; however he does participate in the policy of apartheid so he's not all good either), which surprises people and attracts them to him like moths toward light. He speaks the languages of almost all the tribes in the area, as well as English and Afrikaans, making him well-suited to bring the people together in a revolution against the white man. He has a storied history, and incidentally knew Shasa when he was a young man working at the Courtney family diamond mine, the H'ani Mine, which was then owned by Shasa's ruthless, cunning yet extraordinarily intelligent and often benevolent mother and matriarch of the Courtneys -- Centaine Courtney-Malcomess. It is worth noting that the entire Courtney fortune in Africa, the diamond mine, discovered by Centaine Courtney when she was pregnant and living in the desert with the nomadic Bushmen tribe, has lead to their family being extremely well-respected and more and more influential and wealthy.

So the stage is set for what seems to be the inevitable and beautifully just revolution of the African people, pulled together across tribal lines under the almost incredible zeal and patient guiding of Moses Gama, against the Courtney family and their allies within the government, in which Shasa is a member of the opposition. However, power tempts Shasa to cross the floor and join the Afrikaner-dominated ruling government party -- whose sole mission is to enforce apartheid and to further the interests of the Afrikaner nation. (As an aside, for those of you that don't know what an Afrikaner is -- Afrikaans is a patois of Dutch; the Dutch had a very large part in developing South Africa, but they were overthrown by the English, and then the remaining whites overthrew the English and became a separate country, albeit in the Commonwealth. Afrikaners had a similar rhetoric to Hitler's -- they are the chosen of God, blessed with the promised land, the perfect race to overcome all others, chosen to 'protect' and keep separate the 'savage black man' for the 'greater good' of both races, etc.)

A young Nelson Mandela

However, the reader slowly becomes aware of how twisted and cruel Moses Gama is, and something that seemed as important and inevitable as the black man standing up for his rights slowly starts to be dreaded by the reader -- because they need a better leader than this man who can stir up the warrior blood of any man and talk him into murder without so much as lifting a finger! The only opposition within the black peoples' political party is a younger Nelson Mandela (yes, a lot of the book is based on real people and events); however, Mandela is preaching peace and Gama violent, bloody revolution, in which he sees himself as king of his people. Gama has such a base of influence that he is quickly outstripping Mandela in support, and it seems impossible for any man to stop him. Not to mention, he is sleeping with Shasa Courtney's wife, Tara, and using her for her access to the Houses of Parliament.

Wilbur Smith weaves such a grandiose and powerful tale, that when things suddenly are revealed to not be as they seem, the reader is truly taken aback and just as surprised at anyone would be if they were experiencing thses things first-hand.

This plot synopsis hardly even scratches the surface -- the book contains a huge multitude of secondary and supporting characters, each with an intricately woven back story that is all helping to convince us of their loyalty, either to the Courtneys or to Gama. I cannot stress enough how incredible this book is. Even if you have no interest in the history of South Africa (which I doubt that anyone COULDN'T have!), the book gives us so much more than that. It gives us a rare and uncensored look into the depths of the human soul, and human emotion. It slowly tempers the sword that is the rage of the African people, and as you watch the sword descend toward the neck of the white man, so many different elements and so many amazingly detailed stories come into play that you cannot help but be totally engrossed. This is one of those books that I just could not put down! I would stay up so late that I would literally be passing out, trying so hard to catch the words, and waking up so groggy the next morning, only to pick it up and read for hours before I head to work.

I highly, HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who has any interest in history, or an engrossing story of such complex dimensions that you end up having to read the whole series! It is amazing and stunning and beautiful, all at once; the language of the author is definitely Universty-level, but don't let that hold you back! It is written so smoothly and the tale is told with such dexterity and skill that you'll enjoy it no matter your preference.

I'm not usually one to give recommendations, so this is a rarity... go check it out!!

Election time approaches!

2010-07-17T14:36:00.000-04:00

I used to enjoy reading about politics. In high school, when I was just developing a conciousness about politics, I used to find the littlest, most menial government tasks absolutely fascinating, and I would exuberantly encourage my peers to read about it. I thought the whole process was incredible -- representatives of the people created processes and plans to actually DO things to the country; create new roads, fund small businessess, regulate corporations and collect taxes, etc.

My teachers warned me not to get too involved -- that I would only become jaded, and of course I didn't listen to them. I don't think any 15-year-old really knows what 'jaded' means (although, perhaps I did, because I had been through a lot of depressing things by that point, but that's another post) but I dove into politics and activism head-first. As most of you know, I've been lobbying and doing public speaking on drugs and drug policy for three years now. And in that time, I've become more and more aware of how the political system REALLY works, how power is really distributed.

I became jaded.

I know that everyone uses this as an excuse for apathy or non-action, but in reality all that does is hand your power over to the leading party, and the incumbants. One of the many, many reasons I've started to dislike this city is our municipal politics. What petty, slovenly, childish politicians we are blessed with. Our mayoral literally got into his position illegally. Just because he was found not guilty doesn't mean he didn't do it -- and I point this out to people all the time. The other councillors are equally terrible, and for some godawful reason the people of Ottawa don't want to unseat their incumbant representatives.

I think this really says a lot about Ottawa. Yes, it's a little-c conservative, government town, that's still stuck in the 1970's as far as arts and culture goes. But it's more than that -- because we're so close to the Parliament, I think people have become overly complacent with their leaders. We don't see the full spectrum of the political environment, only what the Harpy Media Control Department shows us, and the people here lap it up like thirsty dogs in a drought of right-wingism. It's not only disheartening, it's pathetic. You can't not vote, or vote for the incumbant, and then spend years bitching and whining about how the government never serves you and your needs. Well call your MP for fuck's sake! Like, really, if you don't participate in your political system then you have no right to complain, or any right to make suggestions on how to fix it.

Earl McRae, the consummate Ottawa Sun columnist, is a perfect example of the bigoted idiocy so prevalent in this city. He writes from a conservative point of view, but he is such an expert at twisting issues to always make it seem as if only HE can fix it. He panders to the elderly, to people who are worried about leaving behind an awful legacy, and it works. I bet you there are thousands of elderly readers who vote Conservative because of writers like him. Some of his articles are so ... stupid. He wrote a huge, long article whining about how people don't put their 'buggies' (they're called shopping carts in the 20th century) back to the store. And how, because of these 'lazy, indolant, inconsiderate slugs', basically, society is falling apart at the seams.

I believe that working as a journalist, especially for a major daily, grants you a responsibility and a huge commitment to your readers -- you have to make every word count. I think that most journalists have totally taken for granted these responsibilties, especially old farts like Mr. McRae.

Now, he's not all bad. Occasionally, I am surprised by how social some of his comments are. For instance, he was apparently shopping at Carlingwood Mall (which says a lot in itself) and overheard three elderly folk speaking about politics. They were complaining about how their representatives were complete idiots, and how the Liberals just want to milk everyone's money out of them and then give it to their friends and to people that are like, poor, or something equally awful. He asked them who they would vote for, and then went on a tirade about how people shouldn't vote for incumbants if they don't like them, and the only way to effect change is to CHANGE something, like the box you tick on your ballot.

I'm getting a bit long-winded here, but my point is: you have a RESPONSIBILITY to the people of Canada, and to yourself, to participate in the political process. %90 of us never even think about politics unless we are reading a newspaper, and probably %99 never EVER call our MPs, MPPs, or Ward Councillors unless we need something from them. Personally, I call them all the time. Every time I read about an issue in the paper, especially when that issues lights a raging fire inside me, I call and respectfully outline EXACTLY what they should be doing to fix the issue etc. And because I do this, I feel I have a right to bitch and complain when they STILL do NOTHING about it. Now, if we ALL called our councillors when something outrages us, let's say the G20, maybe they'd realize that we actually care about our country and the direction it's taking.

Or maybe not.

This is a gift...

2010-06-29T14:27:00.000-04:00

So, my loyal readers, I'm sure that you've all been keeping up to date on the activities. Well, the police went overboard (like I predicted) and brutalized SO many people. My girlfriend was part of the group that got boxed in on Queen and Spadina on Sunday... I was so scared! But she got out safely, thank God.

She told me that there were thousands of cops, many, many more than the number of protesters. And Tara told me that so few of the cops had badge numbers/names on their uniforms. And the protesters that want to file complaints are unable to do so, even though Police Chief Blair of the Toronto Police claims that 'they have a process for that'... well, the problem being that the cops that make up the ISU (Integrated Security Unit) are from forces all across Canada, plus members of the OPP and RCMP. Interestingly, the ISU was created for the Vancouver Olympics security, which is why seeing ISU was ringing bells for me. So I knew that their attitude was already really bad, and I knew that the whole situation was going to explode.

Go on YouTube if you get a chance, and watch some of the videos... it seems really brutal, and it is, but what I'm trying to get people to remember is that this is what these cops are like 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, to people on the street. This is what we have to deal with every day. Cops brutalizing us and our friends for no apparent reason; cops insulting us and destroying any shred of self-esteem that we might have had.

Well, Wendy is coming to Ottawa tomorrow! I'm so excited, I was so sure that it was going to be a month before I could hold her in my arms; and now I get to see her so soon! I'm going to bring her around to all the places I work and introduce her to all my friends, etc. We're going to go see the Queen on Parliament Hill and heckle her... plus we're going to hold hands and watch the fireworks together... and get drunk and rowdy! I've got to find a place for us to go where we can have some alone time, because even though she's staying with me and my dad and grandmother, we're not sleeping in the same bed (which is so old-school)... so yeah.

We need some alone time!

I really like this girl, but I'm so nervous and anxious... I really have to drop these thoughts before they poison my attitude. I'm really worried that I'm going to lose her, just like I've lost every other girl. Her only hesitancy is around dating an active drug user, so I'm going to try and get clean before I move down to Toronto to be with her. But it's going to be so hard... at least I have a good reason now! This girl is so incredible, I thought that my list of accomplishments was getting pretty big, and had some cool stuff on it, but hers outshines mine by a thousand times. I can't believe how much she has done for her community, and all the activism she's done! It's really, really humbling.

I think it's really good that she's older than me (6 years older, to be exact) because all the other girls have been, basically, too immature for me. I mean, I'm only 22 in September, but I am probably more mature than the average 21-year-old. And I need someone that matches that, and I think I found her.

Anyway, enough gushing about my baby. I hope you all call your MP/MPP and cause a stink about the police brutality at the G20. They're going to deny, deny, deny, excuse, excuse, excuse, so stay on them hard! Amnesty International (who I usually despise) is calling for a public inquiry into the conditions that detainees were taken into, and I really hope the gov't does it. The public will be surprised to see what really happened behind the scenes there.

Oh yeah, and I've been collaborating with a girl named Dawn. She has such a beautiful voice! Together we really kick some ass. I'm going to be playing at the Royal Oak in the UOttawa on Thursday, and I'm going to take Wendy and dedicate a song to her! Should be pretty awesome...

Keep coming back! Cause I'm trying to update more often now.

Toronto!

2010-06-25T13:40:00.001-04:00

So I just spent an AMAZING ten days in Toronto. We had a Drug User Groups summit and we officially created the Canadian Association of People who Use Drugs (CAPUD). We wrote our mission statement etc. and got everything underway. The overarching goal of the group is to help co-ordinate the regional groups (ADDICQ in Montreal, VANDU, UNDUN, etc.).

The other thing that happened, was the girl I mentioned in the last post, Wendy -- she and I are now an item! I know, you all think I'm crazy. Look what just happened in the last long-distance one from SSM right? I know. I know. But this girl is literally everything I could possibly hope to find! She's an activist too, around sex worker rights. She created the Bad Date Coalition and has been distributing the Bad Date Book to agencies in Toronto for years. She's going to law school to become a constitutional lawyer, to reform, in her words, child care, prisoner rights, and to constitutionally challenge sex work laws.

She's absolutely amazing. And she says that she really likes me - for me! How amazing is that?

I spent 10 days in Toronto with her, and we had SUCH a blast! Toronto is such an amazing city. We checked out Queen Street West and East, Kensington Market, Chinatown, almost everywhere you can think of. I'm planning on moving there once I am done with all this court BS. We did take it a little fast but now that we have to spend some time apart we're realizing how much we miss each other, I think. And I think it'll be good. I promised her that I would go back down in 30 days (July 23rd) at the longest. My bail is done on July 15th so I might even go earlier!

Anyway, I'm real sorry (as always) that I haven't been posting as much but it's been so hectic! I might have to change this to Toronto from the Down Side Up (lol, yeah RIGHT).

Keep an eye out for more posts soon! I'm going to get back in the habit of posting, I swear!

[on another note: a reader of this blog contacted me and wants me to help them score. I'm going to do it, but what's y'all's opinion on it? Am I nuts? Is it probably a cop? The person seems pretty cool and I'm willing to take a risk. If I get nailed, oh well.]

Harm Reduction Superheroes!

2010-06-01T23:35:00.001-04:00

So last Thursday I did a panel speech and presented a workshop at YSB's forum. It was called Building Bridges and it focused on youth 'in transition' from youth to adulthood and how we can better support them.

Oh yeah, on a side note, things with Kristy didn't exactly work out. I know, what a fucking surprise.

But on the positive side, I met this REALLY cool girl named Wendy, who does advocacy for sex workers. She does basically the same thing I do except sex work instead of drug use. She's absolutely amazing! And cute, and smart (but those are just bonuses).

Well, we presented the community services workshop together, and having never met before, we worked together quite amazingly! So well in fact, that we spent the whole day together, talking and laughing and cracking jokes. Laughing a LOT, in fact, so much that we disturbed the other presenters in our workshop. Stupid evaluation forms, they're really asking for snarky comments!

So. We decided to create a 'company' to market our unique skills and to try to push our education/advocacy to a whole new level. I've already created an AMAZING poster and sent it out to the Canadian Centre on Substance Abuse, the International Harm Reduction Association, VANDU, CSSDP, and a couple others. I think we'll get a pretty positive response. Even before I made this poster, a lady from the forum was asking for me specifically, to talk at an event she's doing. Pretty awesome!

So, I'll see if I can upload this PDF for you all to see. Oh, wait. I can't cause it has our names all over it. Oh well. I'll keep you updated on what happens! If you want to book us to talk, contact me by leaving a comment and I'll email you the poster and we can chat about possibilities!

Oh, shit, of course -- I should send it to Law Enforcement Against Prohibition. They do conferences... I think. Yeah, if you can think of any conferences at all that would like to see us there, please pass it on!

Hope you're all doing okay. I wish I could post more!

Busy bee!

2010-05-25T15:04:00.000-04:00

So I was having a really crappy today and yesterday. I spiked my opiate tolerance by using a LOT of Dilaudids, and man did I ever come down sideways when I started to use less. I mean, I was dopesick even before I tried to go to sleep last night, and waking up this morning was just pure hell. I had to wait 7 hours until I could finally get better. God DAMN that sucks.

But this week is super busy for me. I'm waiting on a cheque from Ottawa U, because I did a 'guest lecture' there last Tuesday. It was really awesome, I got to speak to a class of graduate med students in their last term before they start doing field placements. We talked about primary health care for street-involved and at-risk youth. It was a really productive presentation, I thought; they didn't even have many questions to ask because we covered it all in our presentation. So I talked for 45 minutes to the English class, and then hustled over to the French class to speak to them with a translator. It was amazing! I was so comfortable, and in control, and REALLY on my game. I feel like I did a really good job!

And YSB's annual forum, this year called Building Bridges, is this Thursday. There's so much preparation going on, the office is just whirring. I'm giving a 5-minute panel speech on the issues faced by transitional-aged youth in the mental health sector, and how we can better support them, not only in transition but in general. It's really hard because 3 years ago when I took this job, I was scared to talk for 7 minutes! It felt like such a long time, and I was never really that good of a public speaker, and I'd get nervous and stutter. But now, having spoken at a few different forums and conferences etc, where I've been expected to speak for upwards of 30 minutes, I'm finding that I'm really good at doing it now! Especially when I prepare well, I can really hold a crowd captivated. My problem now is trying to speak for ONLY 5 minutes! I know it sounds ridiculous but after talking for hours, you can really get in-depth into your subject. That's why I'm really looking forward to lecturing Tara Lyons' class this summer -- I think I get to speak for between 1-3 hours, on my favourite topic -- drug policy! But for my panel speech this week I can barely brush the surface of the topic in five minutes and I feel like I can't cut it down enough without losing important content. My boss knew I was going to have this problem because I have a rep now as being the guy who talks on and on and on and on and on... so they put me last in case the other panelists don't use up all their time. (They've had to do that every year since I went over by like 10 minutes the first year)

So anyone who wants to book me to speak is more than welcome to inquire -- I have a pretty awesome resume now for public speaking and it's only going to get bigger as I get more in demand. I'm actually excited because my name is starting to circulate in harm reduction circles, meaning that I'm going to be asked to speak at more and more events nationwide, including the CSSDP conference, OHRDP (hopefully), and tons of other stuff.

I'll keep you all posted! I'd love to upload a video but it'll be hard to hide my identity if I do that...

The most loneliest day of my life...

2010-05-10T14:41:00.000-04:00

I'm seriously sick of having these court conditions hanging over my head. My dad was on the verge of calling in a breach last night and I told him to just fucking do it. Honestly, I know that I'm not going to last until July 15th without SOMETHING going wrong. I just need to not be in jail when Kristy gets here at the end of June, so I'd rather get it done sooner rather than later. I'm actually considering breaching on purpose to go in.

I don't know why, but I've been feeling really alone. My beliefs only get me so far, especially when I see the world shit all over them all the time. It's really hard to keep convincing myself that everything is okay, and that we'll win this fight when the people up high not only don't care, they actively persecute and harm us.

Discriminiation is bullshit. And I'm so fucking sick and tired of it, in all it's forms, I can't stand it anymore. I say it all the time and I live what I say, but every time I hear someone use the word 'fag' or 'gay' or 'junkie' in a negative way it fucking hits me hard. I know that I identify as hetero, but that's not the point. Most of my close friends fall somewhere in the queer spectrum and if I think I have it hard as a junkie, they have it worse. Getting fired from jobs, constant loneliness, I can't even imagine what it's like.

The societal policies, as I like to call them, have to change before the official ones do. It's such a simple thing but people don't fully understand it. We have to live discrimination-free, stigma-free before our laws will change to reflect it. I mean, for Christ sake, sodomy is still illegal in some parts of the world! Like, fuck off.

My new amazing girl used the word gay the other day and I challenged her in a really open and understanding way, and she explained that she is totally not discriminatory, it's just our stupid generation has the word burnt into their minds. I told her that I understand, I used to be the WORST one of all in using that word negatively. It took a LONG time to clear it out and now when I try to say it to test myself it just feels wrong. Which it should -- my older brother is trans, my uncle is gay and most of my friends as I said are queer in one way or another. And working at YSB, we of course have a harassment- and discrimination-free workplace. Which is really awesome. It's called a safe space, which means EVERYONE should feel same from any and everything hurtful. And it's enforced, really well. It makes me proud to work here.

I'm in a really unique position, and at a really big crossroads in my life. As Michelle always tells me, junkies tend to buy into the bullshit we hear all the time -- that we're worthless scum that deserve to be sick and die. And we believe it -- we actually bring it on ourselves because we feel that that's what we deserve. I'm so tired of feeling this way, having this constant internal identity battle. I hate having to hide from everyone. I wish I could just take off my sweater and let the world see my track marks, but except in a very small number of circumstances it's impossible.

To me, it's like someone who is mentally ill not being allowed to talk about it. Or recieve any help. Or, say you have cancer and it's so stigmatized that you can't talk about it and you have to hide from the world. And God forbid the tumour gets so big other people can see it, cause then you can't walk down the streets.

Last World AIDS day, literally a couple hours before the march started I found out that a good friend of mine had died from complications with his HIV treatment. I was so upset that I could barely talk; I just marched with my head down and away from the YSB delegation. I pulled off my sweater and bared my tracks to the world, I wanted everyone to see that I was not ashamed of who I was because he would have wanted me to. And that's a big part of it -- so many people want me to be proud of who I am. Tara is like my personal fucking cheerleader, she makes me feel so wonderful about what I do and who I am. But then there's the days where people like her are not around, and I'm panning by myself, and someone goes out of their way to spit on me and then they take five minutes out of their day to hurl insults at me. Believe me, I don't sit there and take it, I yell back but then I regret it because I have to leave me spot.

Or when the cops jump you, find your syringes and then try to stab you with them because they don't believe your story. And then they work you over a bit to get the point across, and then take your research papers and throw them out. Thank God Tara is so understanding! Luckily that turned out okay.

I don't look at the police the same way you do. I can't! I've seen them do so many horrible things to the best people I know that I can't have the same respect that some people do. But sometimes you run into one who truly cares and it reminds me that there is good still left in this world.

Then there's people like Jason Pino, who runs the Thursday night art group I go to. He's literally tireless - he does street outreach, working with the Ottawa Innercity Ministries, and goes to school during the day, and has a family at home. I don't understand how he does it. It's pretty inspiring to me. He takes time to care for everyone. If you met him you'd immediately like him too. He works with a lot of drug users, and though he doesn't totally understand why we use drugs he doesn't care. He just wants us to be healthy and to reach our full potential.

Doesn't everyone deserve that same chance? Doesn't everyone deserve that same respect?

Ask someone if they think junkies deserve respect and see what they say. Seriously, try it.

Excuses!

2010-05-02T22:51:00.000-04:00

So hey. I apologize again for the shabby posting as of late, but here's the reason:

Yes, that's right, a girl! Can you believe it? I know, you've been there with me through a couple of them now! But for real -- this one could be the one. And I really mean that. Like THE ONE. And although I'm a sappy, hopeless romantic, it's not very often that I say that. As a matter of fact, I've only ever said it once before. Unfortunately she lives in Sault Ste. Marie BUT she's moving to Ottawa. In part to be with me, but she was already planning on moving here (or else I would have been a bit more wary to diving in). She's coming to visit for her birthday June 28, and staying for Canada Day before returning to SSM on July 4th.

I really, really really like her. She's such a sweetheart, and so caring and smart! and beautiful, and amazingly full of heart & passion. She constantly is making me smile or laugh, she's got wit and style, and I can't say enough amazing things about her. She's a stoner, and that's great because it means that she's super cool about all of society, not just the elite that have jobs and stuff. She only works for a coffee shop herself, and she's never quick to judge. Upon arriving, she's going to take entry exams for Algonquin. She's still deciding what she wants to take, but she wants to work outdoors (how awesome is that?) She's only very slightly younger than me (turning 21 on aforementioned b-day) which is super important to me, cause the girls that it never works with seem to all be substantially younger than me. She has a car and is a very safe driver. As you can see for yourself she's absolutely gorgeous. She's not quite as affectionate and romantic as I am (at least, not in the same ways) but she's getting used to the words "babe" and "sweetheart" etc. cause I spew them all the time.
We both have GREAT taste in music. Every day we do our 'song of the day' and we're constantly learning about new music from each other. We're also going to watch each other's top 10 movies of all time lists. Right now she's watching American Beauty, which I was so surprised she's never seen because it's literally some of the best cinema in existance. She's really liking it, as I knew she would.
I literally cannot say it all in words. As much as I know that I fall in love easily, and I always think that I have a 'special, unique' connection to every girl, here's the clincher -- I HAVEN'T totally fallen in love yet! It's partially because she's in another city and I've had bad long-distance experiences but also I think because it's real, and I don't want to rush it. So my heart is (thankfully) taking it slow. We haven't even said the L-word yet but I can tell we're both feeling it. Every day I come home and my facebook has a message like "arrgh. I've been waiting for you to get home since I got home! I've been thinking about you all day and going through you-withdrawals. ouff you're stuck in my head!"

I think I'm going to go crazy!

Biking around town! Sorry folks.

2010-04-24T17:28:00.001-04:00

[edit: I just noticed that I passed 1000 hits! Thank you everyone for reading my blog! I feel so special!]

Hey OFDSU devotees -

I'm sorry that my posting has been so erratic lately. To be honest I haven't really had any good topics to write about and I don't want to bore you with the drivel of my daily life.

I got my bike all set up and greased and pumped and ready to rock -- and it's awesome! I forgot how awesome biking is. I've been riding all over the city. I've been panhandling at my old spot (Industrial and Riverside) and so I bike there, pan, and then go downtown or up the Vanier Parkway to find a park to relax in. It's so beautiful this time of year! There's ducks and Canada Geese and Kat and I even saw a Woodland duck! They have these cool feathers on their heads that make them look like they're wearing stylish hats. So stylish, in fact, that we humans don't even have an equivalent, really.

I'm looking forward to having coffee and conversation with two of my favourite people soon: zoom! and Dr. Lyons. We've got a lot to catch up on, such as the launch of the CSSDP's not4me.org website, a response to the Government of Canada's AWFUL not4me.ca 'drug "education"' website.

I put education in double quotes because selectively telling people things isn't education - it's propaganda. Or bias, or double entendre, or brainwashing. Whatever you want to call it, it's awful. Of course, not4me.ca doesn't mention harm reduction at all, and it's basically a continuation of the failed approach based on scare tactics and offering little to no real fact. The sliver of fact that does find it's way in is usually extremely outdated and irrelevant. Instead of trying to scare young people out of doing something (which never works -- even though we tell young people not to ride a bike without a helmet, they do it anyway, or even better - don't ride your bike off that 15-foot drop with or without a helmet!) why don't we present them with the facts: what a drug is, what it does to your mind and body (and I mean both sides of the story - the positive and negative effects. And don't try to tell me there's no such thing as a positive effect -- when you're trying to achieve a state of mind and a drug does that, it's positive to the person that's doing it), and what dependancy is, and what addiction is (two very different things). I could go on and on, but you get the point. Check out their website! And compare it to the government's site.

YSB's new website is close to being up, as far as I know, and they've already released the new pamphlets. They're very cool -- they have all our pictures on them, plus updated information! Pretty awesome. I'll try and upload a copy at some point.

I've read some really great editorials about the drug war recently. It seems to me that slowly, more and more people are starting to actually look at drug policy with open ears, eyes and minds, and they're starting to see the truth: prohibiton does nothing good. At all. Period.

It seems so obvious to those of us that work in the field, but most people believe that drugs are inherently bad and harmful to society. I was thinking about this earlier today. The RCMP, for example, constantly push the 'we want to wage war on drug dealers' and 'we need to take away their livelihoods, or else they'll never go away' lines. I'd love to sit and argue with their policymakers -- the only way to take away their livelihoods is by TAKING THEM AWAY, not by putting them in jail. When you're making $250,000 a month, a year in jail doesn't matter at all, obviously. They think that they're getting all of a dealer's assets when they bust him, but that's so far from the truth it's not funny. And, to be honest, I'm sure that the RCMP knows this, they just have to tell the public otherwise. Dealers that are making that kind of money constantly funnel it into overseas accounts, or launder it in some other way.

There's a famous picture [inset] that shows a roomful of money made from selling drugs. Look at it! There's gotta be literally MILLIONS of dollars there! How else could someone make so much money so quickly unless they had a MONOPOLY on the markey -- which 'druglords' do. (I don't like the word 'druglord' but sometimes I have to use it). Honestly, the RCMP use this image as 'proof' that drugs are bad and that we need to stop drug dealers -- but they never explain why they have so much money. The cost of drugs is controlled entirely by the black market, and it follows the basic rules of supply and demand. If you control all of the supply and you can influence the demand, you can make as much money as you want. Think the price is too low? Withhold a shipment and the prices will skyrocket. Because there's no regulation, when the supply comes back the price won't come back down like it would in an open market. Drug users that buy their drugs on the street (like myself) have absolutely no say on the price (for the most part - sometimes you can get a 'deal' if you spend enough money, but it's rare that we have enough money to do so! And I put 'deal' in quotes because they could sell us our drugs at a fraction of the cost and still make a killing) and so we pay whatever we're told we have to pay. The only control we have is to boycott someone if they're charging way more than the normal price -- but if they're the only person around you're going to cave in sooner or later. For example, the normal price of a Hydromorph-contin 6mg capsule is $4-5. You usually get 4 for $20, which is 24mg (though sometimes you can get a 30mg tablet for the same price, it depends on the dealer). However, there's a guy selling his 6mg caps for $10 each -- literally double the price. Everyone hates the guy because he's openly exploiting everyone. But there's nothing we can do about it -- we avoid him as much as possible but sometimes you're so sick you just pay the goddamn price and move on. Still, it's just another fucking symptom of the drug war. And people wonder why users commit crime? Say he was selling those pills for $2.50 each. You pan up $10 and buy four, and you're good for the day (even 4 of them is more than enough for the average opiate user). Suddenly, he gets robbed or busted or his supply is short, and he ups the price to $15 each. All of a sudden, you need $60 to get the same fix you paid $10 for yesterday. If you're not a miracle-panner, you need to make a quick $50 bucks, and oh look, that car's window is open, and hmm... there's an iPhone! Gone.

Sorry for blabbing on and on, but I just wanted to illustrate my point.

I'll write more soon, I promise! Take care folks.

Mars at Night

2010-04-07T15:49:00.000-04:00

Inhale thick smoke in a pensive position
And gaze unabashedly at skies overhead, wondering
As I always do, without censor, at the origins
Some nights my view is clear, others it is foggy
And when it's clear so much is explained, in that
Painstakingly instrusive manner the universe tends to have,
when you can see Mars at night.
And when it's obscured by the arbitrary groupings of atmospheric condensaton
Which obstruct any attempt to gaze in wonder
I feel so much more alone.

And then, occasionally, you get lucky
On the nights where there's both congestion and clarity, barricades and beauty
You get to stare at the questions and hear answers whispered low
But still retain the mysterious shroud of secrecy so easily maintained by our
Greatest foe and ally, smartest debater, vexing and hindering friend,
The godly ceiling of celestial spheres

Whose both dim and dazzling luminescence can
Guide or beguile, assist or deceive
Make you turn back, or make you believe
Trickery abundant, or avail unlimited
You can't escape what you can't perceive

An astral gift; both atlas and motif
Fodder for the mind, direction for the eyes
Telling you to look here, go there
Construct in your mind a solid determination
Or stumble through life with no delineation,
No direction of thought or foot,
No ideas or travels to be shared with your peers.

All of this, provided, free of charge
(Unless, as I do, you believe that thought is the currency of the universe)
By the force that is, and was, and will be
And created these things, and you, and me,
Name it not, nor worry for aught

For a comfortable end is promised thru the beauty of the stars,
within reach and in all our hearts' desires.

B(l)ogged down...

2010-04-06T20:48:00.002-04:00

I'm with zoom! in that I've been feeling kinda down lately. I've had tons of great ideas for blog posts, but I just haven't been able to put it together. Even right now, I'm only writing because I feel obligated to write something, and so my blog doesn't go totally stale and lose all my hard-earned readers (yes, that's YOU, my special friends!).

So I hope you forgive me for a rather dry post. My only consolation is that I'm almost ready to make the jump to WordPress, which will hopefully be some inspiration to me. I really do like the flexibility they offer over Blogger -- the only downside is that it will no longer be linked with my Google Account, which is a super-handy-dandy feature that I really like. But it's so much easier to manage a blog on their site... so I'll be making the switch soon. I'll post it in huge letters on this website, plus all new posts will go to both websites for a couple of weeks until you all switch your feed readers/bookmarks etc.

I promise I'll write Part Two of my essay on Portugal. But I didn't really get much of a reader response? Did you guys like it? I know a lot of you lurk but I REALLY appreciate comments. When I don't get any comments I feel like nobody is reading something worth talking about and it's kind of deflating. Even if you just post a "Enjoyed it!" or something short, that would be awesome, just so I can see what you guys like, what topics to write about, etc. Plus, suggestions/discussions/moderated arguements are always encouraged.

I've been feeling more inspired in the music department recently. I miss playing music every day, and as I've mentioned before, it's like a fire inside me that I need to let burn or else it'll go out. It's the single most theraputic thing I've ever done in my life. Luckily I get to play every Thursday at my art group, so I've been honing my piano skills, but I really need a guitar, because I've been churning out songs for the guitar.

Would you guys like me to post one of my songs on here sometime?

Portugal -- a model of the future! Part ONE

2010-03-26T21:06:00.002-04:00

Part One of a Two-Part Special Series!

So I'm sure those of you who keep up with the news have read at some point or another that Portugal decriminalized all drugs in 2001. This decision was supported by a huge majority of their society, from lawmakers to law enforcement, social workers, medical professionals and of course, drug users.

On Tuesday I went to a presentation which was about a study that was recently released, detailing the effect of prohibition on drug market violence. It was a really interesting study, and I'll probably write about it in another post. Afterwards, Rob Boyd (who runs OASIS at the Sandy Hill Community Health Centre, which is a program aimed at people who are HCV or HIV positive) sent an email to everyone who went giving them .pdf's of the study. He included a study done by the CATO Institute, based in Washington, DC, looking at the decriminalization of drugs in Portugal. This caught my eye, and I printed it out and am reading it through.

Many things immediately interested me, among them their success rate, and also how the system itself works. I'll start with the latter.

Decriminalization, for those of you not familiar with the term, is different from depenalization (which has been popular in many EU countries, either legislated or de facto) and legalization. In most countries around the world (the vast majority, actually), recreational drugs are entirely illegal, which means obviously that if caught possessing, consuming, selling, buying or in any way enjoying a drug, you are entitled to anything from a fine to death. Especially in Asian and Middle Eastern countries, the penalties are particularly harsh. In Canada, if you are under the influence of an illegal drug, it is not an offense; unless of course you are in the possession of more of that drug. However, in many countries even being suspected of being under the influnce of an illegal drug is enough to get you charged. Penalties range as I said before.

Decriminalizing drugs means that drug usage and possession remain prohibited and subject to police intervention -- however, you cannot be charged criminally, which means you cannot end up with a criminal record or jail time. Instead, these infractions are dealt with 'administratively'; in Portugal, being sent to a "Dissuasion Commission", which I'll detail more later.

Depenalizing drugs, which happens on a de facto basis in many countries (for example, Holland and Denmark) and is legislated in other countries, means that the law is still in effect; however, there are no custodial (jail) penalties given, unless the offence is trafficking, or anything but simple possession/influence. This means that you'll probably end up with probation, community service, a fine, or a combination thereof. You still, however, end up with a criminal record, as the charge is still processed through the criminal justice system.

Legalization, on the other hand, completely removes penalties regarding drugs. Possessing, selling, buying and using drugs is completely legal, and is not subject to any police intervention at all. You can get high however you like, wherever and whenever you want, and is in theory the system that causes the least harm to drug users. It is difficult to create a working system to legalize drugs, and so we're still a long way off from seeing this.

On July 1st, 2001, a nationwide law in Portugal took effect that decriminalized all drugs, including cocaine and heroin. Since the enactment of that law, Portugal is and remains the only European Union state explicitly to decriminalize drug usage. The law applies to the purchase, possession, and consumption of all drugs for personal use (defined as the average individual quantity sufficient for 10 days' usage for one person, which I'm interested to know what they think constitutes). Being caught buying (but NOT selling), possessing or using drugs will get you stopped by the police, but you cannot be arrested, or detained. They simply give you a citation, which is basically a summons to appear before the "Dissuasion Commission" which I mentioned before.

These "Dissuasion Commissions" are made up of three people. One is selected/appointed from the Department of Justice, and is generally someone with a lot of experience in law. The other two can be anything from social workers, to medical professionals -- anyone with relevant expertise to the proceedings. When you are given a citation, you appear before one of these Commissions (there's at least one for each province of Portugal, in areas where there is more drug use, for example Lisbon, there are many more). They take an in-depth look at your situation -- what drug you were using, where you used it, whether or not you're addicted to said drug, how much you were possessing, etc. etc. They then determine an appropriate sanction. "Article 15(4) of the law sets forth a variety of factors the commissions should consider in determining what sanction, if any, should be imposed. Such factors include the seriousness of the act; the type of drug consumed; whether consumption was public or private; and whether usage is habitual." The person appearing before the commission has a right to have a medical professional examine them to help determine this. I'm still not entirely clear on whether or not it's better to be addicted or not -- according to the law, if you're not addicted you get a lighter citation and in some cases you get just an oral warning.

What really strikes me about these commissions is how they are set-up and run. I quote the study on this [emphasis mine]:

Portugese and European officials familiar with the Dissuasion Commission process emphasize that the overriding goal of that process is to avoid the stigma that arises from criminal proceedings. Each step of the process is structured so as to de-emphasize or even eliminate any notion of "guilt" from drug usage and instead to emphasize the health and treatment aspects of the process.

The alleged offender, for instance, can request that notice of the proceedings not be sent to his home in order to preserve privacy. Commission members deliberately avoid all trappings of judges, and the hearing is intentionally structured so as to avoid the appearance of a court. Members dress informally. The alleged offender sits on the same level as the commission members, rather than having the members sit on an elevated platform. Commission members are legally bound to maintain the complete confidentiality of all proceedings. At all times, respect for the alleged offender is emphasized.

Wow! What a fuckin' concept! Show respect for drug users?? What a crazy idea! Treat them as equals to the members of the commission? No wonder they have such an incredible decrease not only in drug-related crime, but also a decrease in drug use IN GENERAL!

More to come in Part 2! Stay tuned for the numbers around their success!

Post number 50! How syringes are made!

2010-03-22T17:23:00.002-04:00

I've been really busy this past week and I will be again this week, working on the Youth Stories Project that I mentioned in previous posts. So, because I don't have much time to write engaging, interesting posts, I'm going to leave you with some fluff to indulge you.

The process of making syringes is CRAZY, very very interesting to think about the amount of work that goes into one injection (whether it's medical or not)... check out the How It's Made video on it!

Also, I'm going to give you a sample of the writing project itself...

When S was 9 years old, she went to live with her mom full-time. As she grew up, her mother decided that she couldn’t handle her and that she didn’t want her anymore – leaving her to be put in a group home. Her experience in the group home was less than ideal, and she spoke of negative attitudes and disrespect running rampant. “If anything happened between you and one of the girls [the staff] just didn’t really seem to care … [the girls] would break into your room and steal all your stuff.”

After running away from the group home, having enduring two years there, she was sent to a boarding school; she didn’t last long before leaving there either -- she was charged for the first time and had to face the criminal justice system. Luckily, she got just a slap on the wrist and ended up with probation.

Soon afterward, a friend led her through the door at YSB’s downtown Drop-In. She remembers her first experience: “It was just really friendly! I really liked it… it was a very welcoming place.” Sara helped her get into the Evelyn Horne Emergency Shelter for Young Women – and from there, things slowly turned around. She got on social assistance, and has actively been seeking housing. She got on YSB’s Long-Term housing list, and in two weeks will finally be in her own apartment, with her own income.

YSB has helped her in many ways, she says; they’ve helped her find housing and get on social assistance – but at one point, it was the smaller things that mattered. “I didn’t eat for a while, so they fed me… gave me bus tickets, and helped me with probation. They wrote a letter to my probation officer telling them that I was at YSB and doing well, and it helped me move on.”

As many street-involved youth do, she has struggled with drug use in the past. “I used ecstasy, oxycontin, cocaine, pot, whatever was around, really. But YSB referred me to the Dave Smith Youth Treatment Centre and I was able to get help for all that.” Pretty remarkable, especially when she tells me that she’s getting a $5000 scholarship to go to college because she went to the Achievement Centre at Operation Come Home – another referral from YSB! The City is matching this contribution – “Basically I get to go to school for free!”

She is currently six months pregnant, and is looking forward to being able to live in her YSB housing unit with her child. It’s obvious she’s worked really hard to get to this point – coming so far with so little is a major achievement! One thing she wants to share with other youth?

“Just respect. That’s the biggest thing – if you want respect you’ve gotta show it. I’ve known a lot of people who go [to social services] and they show no respect and they get nothing out of their time there. They say they want help, but then they’re really mean – you’re not going to get anywhere with that.”

“[YSB’s] just a safe place to hang out… and not to have so many worries!”

Hope you enjoyed it! More to come.

Nothing too exciting...

2010-03-18T14:54:00.000-04:00

So, nothing too exciting has been happening. I had court this morning, and was surprised to hear that my lawyer didn't go to the Counsel Pre-Trial he set for Monday -- when I talked to him yesterday he made it sound like he went, and he wasn't even there this morning, he just left instructions for duty counsel.

Tara recently sent me a link to a video on Youtube. Three MPs, one from the Cons, Liberals, and NDP each introduced petitions with a total of 12,000 signatures opposing Marc Emery's extradition to the United States, where he could face a life sentence for the small crime of selling viable marijuana seeds. Pretty ridiculous -- I signed the petition.

The Youth Stories project is chugging along pretty well. It seems like this week has just flown by! I had a really busy day yesterday. YSB is going to be hosting a forum in May about transitioning youth -- youth who are 'aging out' of social services (basically, turning 21) and how we can support them. The Youth Engagement Program will be hosting a workshop on how youth engagement can help youth through that period, and give them a skill set that is extremely viable later in life. So I was at meeting about that, and also about the panel presentation at the same forum.

Then we had our weekly outreach (SUAVE -- Substance Users are Very Educated) in which we watched Alice in Wonderland (the old animated one, not the new one). When I pick the movie, I try to pick one that has something to do with the social stigma of drug use as portrayed in pop culture, so I was questioning what the hell the point of showing Alice was. But it did stimulate a bit of conversation around hallucinogens and the harm reduction that can be applied to them.

Then I had my weekly HRYAC meeting, which wasn't terribly exciting either. There's a couple things coming up but nothing really of note.

Someone recently sent me a newly published study created by the Wellesley Institute in partnership with the SHOUT! Clinic in Toronto, about street youth, substance use and harm reduction which was AMAZING, and I'm slowly reading the whole thing. I'll try and find the link and post it here.

And tonight, I have my weekly art ground with OIC at 6-9. Pretty awesome group, I get to write songs/music and get paid for it!

And, as a final note, I played the Wii with Sara from Centretown CHC yesterday, and that was awesome as well. I played tennis and bowling with KL as well.

Take care!

Youth Stories Project update, and a couple other small things!

2010-03-12T00:05:00.000-05:00

So, as I mentioned previously, I've been working on a groovy project at YSB called the Youth Stories Project. Myself and a couple other youth from the youth engagement program were selected for our strong writing skills. We've been interviewing youth, approx. 10-20 mins each, and then turning those interviews (about the youth's life/challenges/and esp. their achievements) into ~500 word stories, that will eventually go on the website.

So in a week and half, I've completed 6 interviews, and created 4 final drafts of the stories. I've put in well over 16 hours, and am way in the lead as far as work goes. I feel kind of weird about this, because last week I claimed 10 hours and got paid accordingly; my peers did at most 4 hours and had hardly even cracked the surface of the thing. Am I overworking, or are they underworking? We're supposed to have 10-15 stories each by the end of March. We can claim up to 80 hours, and I intend to use up as many of those as I can, because I take great pride in my writing. One of the other youth has attended university for English, so he's working on a similar level of experience as I am, but I don't think he's written a single actual word yet.

Anyway, besides my grumblings -- I'm going to (if I get permission) post a couple of the stories on here for you to read. I'm also still chasing down those guest posters because I think they're really interesting. Dr. Lyons, this means YOU. And Caleb...

Besides that, nothing terribly exciting happening. I might have Chlamydia. I'm going to pee in a cup tomorrow. This is because I finally had my first one-night stand ever, about a month or so ago. If you'll recall, I'm a hopeless romantic who falls in love with any girl that even looks at me on the bus. So you can imagine how hard it must have been to just go out and have a one-nighter. Well?
It was easy! I don't know why, it might have been the liquor, or the fact that I knew going into it there were no strings/relationships attached... or maybe the fact that I haven't even seen her since it happened? So we haven't even talked about seeing each other again in any capacity.

Maybe you all didn't need to know that, but too bad. :-) Oh yeah, I might have contracted Chlamydia from her. One of her previous sexual partners apparently complains that it burns when he pees. Why he hasn't done anything about it, I can't fathom -- how can you stick with the status quo when the status quo is painful urination? Luckily I haven't had any symptoms.

I also have to see a doc pretty soon to get some sort of liver blood tests done. My ex (who in all likelihood got HCV from me) had her liver enzyme tests etc. done, and apparently (though I find this hard to believe, no offense to her) her liver is operation at 1/5 capacity. I've only had this disease at MOST three years, and she can't possibly have had it half that length, so I'd be terribly surprised if her liver was that damaged from the HCV. Maybe she did damage some other way? Anyway, she freaked me out, because she pulled me aside and dumped all that on me. So now I'm all scared that my liver isn't really doing a whole lot, because I do get liver pains quite often, and when I get sick it takes a LOT longer to go away than when it did when I was a teenager. Which is really scary because I have an AMAZING immune system usually. But I'm losing confidence in it, and at 21, that's a scary thought. I'm really scared of getting HIV -- being co-infected would scare the crap out of me. That's a lot of pills etc. to take.

I was kinda depressed the other day, and remarked offhandedly to a friend that "I'd be surprised if I live to see 27." I don't know what made me say it, but I could tell they were kind of upset that I feel that way. I'm just trying to look at thing realistically. Because of a range of factors beyond my immediate control, my odds of survival are extremely thin. Think about you -- you, my kind reader, the odds of your existance are extraordinarily small, at best. There are so many things that every day threaten your life. The fact that we managed to evolve to this point is a miracle in itself. Now, because of bad government, I face a huge number of risks, just adding on to the same list you have of ways I could suddenly expire. Think about what you face every day, and then add random overdose or contract a deadly disease to that list. Seem a bit slimmer odds now?

Anyway, enough of that. I feel like this post has been mostly fluff and mostly uninteresting. Agree? Leave a comment! Cause they work!

Have a wonderful night. :)

Moving in progress... suggestions needed!

2010-03-11T09:57:00.000-05:00

So, I'm thinking about moving to a different blog host. Don't worry! I'll be doing it slowly. I've checked out WordPress.com because a lot of the blogs I read are on there, and it seems okay.

My biggest complaint so far with Blogger is that I've had quite a few technical problems. Most recently my comment forms just disappeared for no reason! And came back just as unexpectedly. I've also had a LOT of trouble getting the damn thing to look the way I want it to.

So -- you are all avid bloggers/blog-readers. I need a couple of suggestions -- what do you LIKE about the look/feel of a blog? And for the bloggers -- which service would you suggest as being the most user-friendly? (Not that I'm limited in experience with computers, quite the opposite -- it just seems that blogs don't make sense to me, no matter how hard I try)

Any and all suggestions will be appreciated! On my hopefully still-working comment form :-).
The best suggestion will win a prize! Unless the only person to comment is zoom!, because she's won a lot of prizes in the last little while.

Jets Overhead and a sneaky plan!

2010-03-08T09:34:00.001-05:00

So after having read about the members of my new favourite band -- which, if you didn't notice, is the band Jets Overhead from Victoria, BC, I decided to try and add the two lead singers on Facebook. I figured not a whole lot of other people would have thought about adding them, and since I've offered to plaster the whole city with posters I think they might just add me. If they do, I'm going to sneakily and slowly become better and better e-friends until, when they finally play here in Ottawa, I'll be invited backstage to hang out with the band.

Pretty sneaky, eh? My other plan is to get to Toronto within 4 days, to get to The Horseshoe, to see them play on the 12th... trying to figure out if that's possible. Probably not...

So today I have to be at YSB for 11:30 to work on the Youth Stories Project. Which is some of the most amazing work I've ever done, because it involves directly engaging other youth to help them get their stories out to the world. I'll let you all know when it's up on their website.

Other than that, pretty average days. I'm going to see Alice In Wonderland tonight with K and S from work, should be pretty awesome. Nothing too drug-policy related to report, I'm afraid.

Take care! And listen to some Jets.

Song

2010-03-07T23:15:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to share a song with you all...
This song, for some reason, even though I've only just heard it for the first time today, seems like a song I've heard so many times before. I really like this band and I'm trying as hard as I can to spread them around.

Beautiful day!

2010-03-04T15:40:00.002-05:00

My friend S and I went for a walk after we picked up our fix today and ended up sitting beside the Ottawa river under the beautiful sun to do our fix! The images are from a cell phone so they're kinda crappy, but it was lovely!

CENSORED by your local Police Department...

2010-03-02T21:01:00.003-05:00

David Bratzer, an active officer in the ranks of the Victoria Police Department, and also a member of Law Enforcement Against Prohibition (LEAP), was invited to speak at an event tomorrow night in Victoria. This event was sponsored and funded by the City itself, and from what I can tell it was some sort of panel discussion or forum on drug policy. The details are irrelevant -- it was about harm reduction and the people there were probably all anti-drug-war folk like myself.

Mr. Bratzer and I are both on the Canadian Students for Sensible Drug Policy's Advisory Board -- which is very cool because as I've mentioned before it's made up of harm reduction superstars like Susan Boyd and Gabor Mate.

Anyway, without his knowledge someone higher-up in the force contacted the city and told them he was declining their invitation to speak. A while later, on February 24th, he received an order from another higher-up to not attend the event. Unfortunately, he has to follow the order or risk being fired and dishonourably discharged. So much for sticking up for your beliefs -- you have to follow the chain of command. Here's the article and press release about it.

I like the way the article phrases it -- he's fighting prohibition while risking his life every day enforcing it. What a position to find yourself in! Back at the Blueprints conference in October in Vancouver, the audience asked him why he bothered being a cop if he disagrees so strongly with such a large chunk of the law. "Because there's a lot more to policing than drug laws." He said he enjoys helping the community, and doing all the other awesome things cops do. I applaud him for being tough enough to stand up for his rights & beliefs while also being strong enough to defend the honour in his profession.

It's cops like Mr. Bratzer that keep my last shred of faith in the law from totally disintegrating.

Another little update -- I got hired to do a contract for YSB and it's a very, very cool project. Because we just turned 50, they're collecting the stories of 50 youth who have come through adversity to be successful and move past life on the street. I'm one of the leaders on the project because I have strong writing skills and good leadership/teamwork as well as charisma ;-). I actually put a link to my blog in the application and after reading it the woman who hired me passed it on to one of her co-workers, who passed it on, who passed it on etc. and apparently there's a lot of YSB folk reading this now (and one ex-YSB person who had to move on :-( you know who you are and we miss you!). So, if I can get permission, I'll post a couple of the stories on here, and either way they'll be up on ysb.on.ca soon enough, whenever they finally launch our new website.

Hope all my readers find themselves well on this evening! What a beautiful day we had today -- I actually sat and soaked up some rays earlier. Could even hear birds calling!

Political spin makes me dizzy!

2010-02-28T22:37:00.006-05:00

So, as much as I disagree with all that happens behind the scenes at the Olympics, I do support athletics and I do believe that our athletes are the best in the world. I don't think it's their fault that these games cost so much and that they do a lot of damage. Joannie Rochette, for example, blew me away. I love figure skating and her story was nothing short of miraculous. And being a huge hockey fan, I screamed louder than anyone when Sidney Crosby scored the gold-medal winning goal in overtime!

But last night I was watching CTV and I heard the anchor announce that the Prime Minister was coming from the men's gold medal win in curling to the studio to chat. What struck me was that not only has he prorogued Parliament, he's actually IN Vancouver watching the Olympics! (On a side note, I think it says a lot that our PM wagered beer on the outcome of the men's gold medal hockey game)
I mean, it's one thing if he had just stopped by to watch an event or two, but he's been there for most of the games -- doing NOTHING yet gaining public support for being there supporting our athletes. As I said, I support our athletes too, but I've been working every day too. He decided to take a couple of extra months off, paid, mind you, not only to hush up our current political strife to the world to make us look better, but also apparently to go pump up his name in the most artificial way possible. The anchor mentioned that "he knew Mr. Harper is a huge hockey fan and that he'll be at the gold medal game tomorrow night." Well, when they finally talked about hockey, he didn't seem any more excited than when they were discussing the weather. He comes off as so damn fake to me, it's a wonder that our amazingly intelligent, compassionate population doesn't see right through his awful political spin. I mean, did it really escape everyone that the reason he was there in the first place was because he was ditching work? If I had ditched high school to go watch a hockey game I would be held entirely accountable for my actions.

This is the Conservative government which was elected mostly on a platform of 'Accountability', which was successful only because of the foul taste left in the mouths of Canadian voters from the previous scandal-ridden Liberal gov't (again, mostly spin, because obviously it was the EXTREME minority of Liberal MPs that had any wrongdoing on their hands). Mr. Harper was so adamant that only he could rid the government of scandal and institute an era of 'accountability'. I keep putting 'accountability' in quotes because I don't think any of us really know what the word means. It's one of these buzz words that has been popping up more and more in politics and also in the values of many of the organizations I work with. In the case of the groups I work with, they take this value to heart in a very profound way. When we make mistakes in my line of work the effect on the populations we work for can be extremely profound and in some cases could even cost lives, and we take this very seriously, obviously! When we make errors, we expect to be held accountable to our peers -- meaning, in short, that our mistake will be shared with our colleagues, that it will be corrected as quickly as possible, and that we're prepared to face the consequences in a mature, positive manner, so that we can learn something from the experience and bring it forward in our continuing work.

The Oxford Dictionary definition of 'accountability' is:

accountable
• adjective 1 required or expected to justify actions or decisions.

2 understandable.
— DERIVATIVES accountability noun accountably adverb.

and the dictionary.com version:

–noun
1. the state of being accountable, liable, or answerable.
2. Education. a policy of holding schools and teachers accountable for students' academic progress by linking such progress with funding for salaries, maintenance, etc.

They also mention that liability is a synonym. I particularly like that they've drawn that parallel, because we all seem to be scared of liability in our society. It's often used in insurance terminology to denote fault -- if you hit someone with your car you're liable for damages, and if a lawsuit is filed against you you'd better hope you have liability insurance of at least a million or two. It's also the only type of insurance you MUST have to drive on Canadian roads. Interesting, that it's the only thing you MUST have to put the lives of others in your own hands?

It seems to me that our government, being at one point in an almost religious fervour over accountability, and swearing to conduct a political witch hunt when it came to the wrongdoings of others, is so afraid now to have their problems leaked out to the world. Maybe now they'll develop a little bit of empathy for their Liberal peers, or even better yet, a little bit of honesty and transparency. We can dream, right?

I'm still scared that even after all this, and even though their Spin Shield is starting to crack, the Canadian public will do as the Americans did in George Bush, Jr. re-election after four years -- they were so scared of what could happen to them if what the government was telling them came true that they voted out of fear. The Politics of Fear have been exposed through documentaries and the media, yet it's such an effective tactic that it's still being widely used. And why not? When you scare the pants off of someone, they react with fight or flight -- either way they're going to support you because you're offering to protect them. But I still have faith because I know how much more courageous, intelligent and loving Canadians are than our American counterparts... and I will never stop believing that eventually we'll get it and start heading in the right direction.

How about you?

[note: the link on the Politics of Fear is a GREAT article, well worth the read]

Naloxone programs

2010-02-24T12:30:00.004-05:00

So I just found out that a good friend of mine died of an overdose while I was in jail last week. It came as quite a surprise to her family because she appeared to be a young urban professional with a bright future, and nobody knew that she was secretly shooting heroin on a day-to-day basis. Her death was not reported in the papers, and her obituary said only that she died 'suddenly'. It seems her family is quite ashamed of her manner of death. I haven't spoken to the family at all, and I think I'm going to keep it that way. If I did though, I would love to ask them if they'd support a Naloxone program in Ottawa. Because if she had been with someone who had the stuff she'd be alive. Period.

They have them in New York, because over an eleven year period (1990-2001) overdose deaths increased by %48, from 541 to 799 fatalities per year. That's about 23.5 more deaths year over year, and an average of 60.9 deaths per year. Does that seem shocking to you? Consider the population of New York -- nineteen and a half million. For that many people, and the number of users living there, those numbers were already extremely low. In contrast, Vancouver, a city of about 2.1 million (578,000 in the core) had 223 overdose deaths from September 2003 to June 2007, a three and a half year period. That's an average of 63.7 deaths per year. Now, those numbers don't seem all that different -- until we look at it per capita. Per capita, that's 1 death per 327 000 people per year in New York, whereas in Vancouver it's 1 death per 9073 people per year. THAT'S why we opened InSite, THAT'S why we need Naloxone programs in ALL major Canadian cities. (I got my stats from here for NYC, and here for Vancouver)

Now -- naloxone. At one time or another, we've tried to open these programs in Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver and either Winnipeg or Edmonton. The only one still operating is in Winnipeg (I think -- I know it's either Winnipeg or Edmonton). Why can't they stay open? Why is it so controversial to give out an opioid antagonist? This drug is LITERALLY the OPPOSITE of heroin -- injecting it puts you into instant withdrawal, or, if you're overdosing, it brings you back down to a safe level and you almost immediately pull out of a life-threatening condition. How is it possible to oppose such a basic, life-saving operation? Apparently, with ease -- President Bush's National Office of Drug Control Policy called it "not good public health policy" because it is not overseen by EMHs or doctors. So what -- he'd rather dispatch an ambulance every time there's an overdose? The public health cost of that is staggering. The only stat I could find in a brief Google search was the cost for one year of ambulance calls for heroin overdoses -- $7.7 million dollars AUD, approximately $7.2 million CDN. So that number doesn't seem too high, considering it's for all of Australia, but if you look at the cost of naloxone, it's way lower, about $7-12 per syringe of prepared naloxone. This number goes even lower when you hand it out in small bottles, alongside the normal needle exchange.

What does it all mean? Well, here in Ottawa, my group, with (hopefully) the support of the CSSDP (I still am trying to reach Tara), is going to propose to the City that we need this program. If that doesn't work we'll go to the province, and if that doesn't work we'll fucking take it all the way to federal or the Supreme Court if we have to. I'm so sick of seeing my brothers and sisters dying of something so preventable.

R.I.P. K.L.P. (1985-2010)

Making the system work? Yeah, right!

2010-02-22T17:17:00.003-05:00

The following is an editorial from the Ottawa Sun about a week or two ago.

MAKING THE SYSTEM WORK
Prisoners incarcerated for crimes against society think they
have "rights" The right to have needles for injecting drugs; and
paid for by taxpayers? Criminals are in prison for rehabilitation, not to
continue doing what got them there in the first place. They are there to
reflect on where they went wrong and learn how to set themselves on a path of
reintegration into a moral, law-abiding society. They are not there to do
drugs until paroled, to take up where they left off. Prisoners have the "right"
to shut up, do their time constructively by utilizing programs taxpayers have so
graciously allocated to them. Then they can have the "right" to thank us for
caring enough to get them back on the "right" path. How about the government
do something about eradicating all drugs getting into prisons. That's the
only way the system will work as intended.
C. Peter Davis, Winnipeg

So let's all have a good laugh at how retarded Mr. Davis is. Does he really believe that you can forcibly stop people from doing drugs, not to mention bringing them into prisons? How does he suggest we enforce this -- MRI scans for all incoming prisoners? Like that would be cost-effective, not to mention another breach of these "rights" he seems to have no regard for. People who think the answer to their rights being 'threatened' is to take away the rights of others make me sick.

Real addiction: War!

2010-02-21T23:56:00.003-05:00

Hey y'all -- I really want to write a longer post but my mind just ain't in it right now. So if you haven't already checked out Jets Overhead, now here's your chance! You don't even have to NAVIGATE AWAY from this page! Just click play.

If you like this song, also check out "Heading for Nowhere" on YouTube, 'cause you'll like it too!

Just read one of the best quotes ever, by ExUrbanPedestrian (XUP):

"Look at what the drug laws have wrought, for instance. We make it illegal for people to take drugs that might harm them and end up creating an unmanageably monstrous illegal drug industry that has caused untold harm to millions.
We have several bizarre laws around prostitution in order to protect some people from some thing -- although no one is too clear on who is supposed to be protected and from what. Again, these laws are protecting no one and harming many.
That’s not to say that legal paternalism is always a bad thing. When seat belt laws were first introduced a lot of people were incensed and outraged. Same thing for helmet laws for motorcyclists and for certain sporting events. Same thing for the ever-more-complex child safety seat legislations. People protested. People refused to comply and fought the fines. And now, these things are second nature. Even if they lifted the laws tomorrow, not many people would drive without wearing seat belts, or strapping their children into their protective shells. And no one in their right mind would drive a motorcycle or play hockey without a helmet.
So, in these cases, didn't laying down the law achieve, relatively quickly, what would have taken forever to achieve through trying to educate the public on safer practices? So maybe we do need a cell phone ban to train us to remove this particular distraction while we’re driving and maybe, by extension, we’ll become aware of, and try to avoid other distractions – eventually.
The question that remains then, is: Why are we so stupid?"

Damn, that's a good read. Check out her blog for the rest.

The sad story of JAIL!

2010-02-19T19:19:00.005-05:00

Hey folks.

Sorry I haven't written in a few days. On Tuesday morning, at 6AM, I was woken up in my bed at the Mission by extremely bright flashlights. The person holding the flashlights asked if I was (my name), and I said I was. I thought it was the Mission Staff, until I realized it was the Ottawa Police.

So anyway, I spent four days in the Ottawa-Carleton Detention Centre, until today when my dad, of all people, signed as my Surety to get me out. I'm going to write a much longer post tomorrow, but for now, here's another guest post by my most wonderful, loving and caring friend Janna, who I miss so god damn much! I love you Janna and you're a wonderful writer!

"This is a response to a recent post from junky_monkey regarding drug use in unclean public washrooms. As an opiate user for 7 years, and 8 years as a trashy street dwelling creature, I have a fairly jaded perspective towards dirt. I have learned to love it and learned to look the other way when it comes to shit, piss, puke, cum and blood. Talk of germs and their potential danger turns into words as empty and meaningless as the scare tactics in American news headlines. Personally, I find that when looking for a good spot to fix, the nicer the place - the higher the risk. [Note from JM: She means that, for example, the Chateau Laurier feels more risky and less safe than an alleyway] In all ways. Not only does the fear of getting busted make my heart race and my hands shake but it rushes my ritual. (And as many of us know, you should never throw off the order of this sacred and satisfying ritual.) This pushes me to use in dirtier places. (Places) that people purposely avoid, just so that i can breathe easier and take my time. I have missed massive shots of wax packed peelers (still red in color, from hurrying) in cleaner buildings, or in those classier single use 'is there a line outside the door?' bathrooms at nearly every coffee shop from westboro to beachwood. If you ask me that is way too much stress and skin-stretching pain. Within the first few years of using, I was living on Granville street in Vancouver. I had a positive outlook and would turn away from the disgusting shit-show allyways, saying "I may be a heroin user but I'm not a fucking junky". Don't get me wrong, I identified as a junky and took a certain amount of pride in myself and in my self-acceptance. But we all knows, there are junkies and then there are JUNKIES. Either way, I tried to stick to cleaner places, parks, indoor stairwells as opposed to the dirty fit[needle]-filled squats my fellow users would go to. Now?
After all these years, I have learned that I would much rather take my time, keep my dope, not get assaulted, actually do my shot and have a second to rest before continuing on with my day. For this, I have sacrificed safety and cleanliness, and still would, without a doubt. So now you tell me, why does Canada have only one safe injection site? Is the safety of our Ottawa [drug using] community members of lesser value because our drug-using population may be slightly lower than that of another province? Or Thunder Bay, outside of the big city lights has very little supports - when in the past it has been recorded as the 3rd on list of Canadian cities rated worst for drug use. Why are WE the only ones fighting for us? How do we prove we are as valuable as anyone else? Seriously. Tell me...

and then what do I call myself?"

Wow! Janna brings up such an amazing point, and in that previous post, someone mentioned why don't I use the Chateau Laurier? Because we stick out like sore thumbs. I used to use the CL all the time, but then they started catching on, and threatened to call the cops; do you think that would ever happen at the Rideau Centre unless you gave yourself away by dropping a needle or something? No way in hell!

Thank you so much my wonderful friend, I miss you and love you for all eternity.

-JM & JD

First guest post -- Deb from UNDUN

2010-02-14T14:09:00.001-05:00

The war on Drug Users and their families can be so devastating to our kids. Using parents not only have to think about their contacts to score but also how to hide things from their kids and act normal in front of them in order to try and give them the best family life possible in such a situation.Mothers feel such pain for their kids knowing they have to make it to school plays...school outings, making sure their kids have nice cloths and friends over to their home for socials of friendship...making sure they have a nice childhood like any other kid of parents that don't use. It's not easy...we only want the best for our kids and don't want to cause them any emotional pain.
A using parent strung out on opiates always have the fear of going through withdrawal in front of their kids...fear of wondering what they will think of them, how it's going to effect them and fear of the anger the kids may end up with,and fear of their kids starting to use themselves.We don't want our kids to see us this way. We want to be as normal as parents as possible but the system won't allow us to have legal opiates to keep us from being sick in front of our kids.
So many of our kids think we're BAD because they have been taught by our society that people that use drugs are bad and no good for anything...hopeless and useless. So Not True...we are good but sick if we don't have what our body now needs to function each day. If we had it legally by a doctor we would be able to live like any other family...be a normal family doing family things together. Our kids at times feel or have been taught that we don't love them because we are dependent on drugs. We love them so much and we feel such pain knowing our kids may feel that way. It's so hard for them to understand that our body is in need of the drugs or we'll be sick and won't be able to function or do anything at all with them.
Parents with kids should also take some responsibility as parents that use by not doing so much that they are on the NOD all the time. We should remember that they are watching us and when they see us like that they get scared, worried for our health...worry if we'll be alive the next morning. This is such a complex issue and we should talk about this as using parents and help each other in order to help our kids not feel the emotional pain and fear and help them come to a better understanding about who we are and why we are the way we are. Always let our kids know that it's not their fault we use...we also shouldn't place our emotional pain and stress on them to carry in their lives...they have enough of that being our kids.
If this leads to a discussion then I'd be happy to share more about myself and my own daughter. She felt such fear before she understood more about my using. Over time through my activism and Brent's her step dad, she's now come to understand more and now she can love us for what we are about and not feel ashamed of us yet proud of us for our advocating for users...She now had gone through collage and is working with drug users in the down town east side of Vancouver...we are so proud of her for her compassion for others that suffer. She now helps other children of using parents come to understand that they are still loved which is important for any kid to feel...is the love by their parents.
Hope this leads to some talking people...peace and love, be well, safe and happy as possible and healthy as possible.
Debs Breau/UNDUN
Unified Networkers of Drug Users Nationally
www.undun.org/

Feds trying to shut InSite... again!

2010-02-10T15:06:00.005-05:00

So I just read the Ottawa Sun, and when I flipped it open at random, the words "Feds" "shut" and "InSite" popped out at me. You can read the full article here. [edit Feb. 11: better link, longer version, here]

This is a continual battle of ideology versus science that has gone on for far too long.

"There was a dissenting opinion in the B.C. Court of Appeal, and the
Government of Canada believes it is important that the Supreme Court of
Canada be asked to rule on this matter. We recognize that injection
drug users need assistance. This is why our national anti-drug strategy focuses on prevention and access to treatment for those with drug dependancies. At the same time, we aim at getting tough on drug dealers and producers who
threaten the safety of our children and communities. Our message is clear: If you sell or produce drugs, you will face jail time." -Justice Minister Rob Nicholson [emphasis mine]

This quote makes me gag. He's trying to say that he has the best interests of drug users at heart, while also satisfying those who want to be tough on them. How is this possible? And of course, it is not, and all that's really happening is the creation of an American War on Drugs style of policing. This latest appeal is a huge waste of resources and time that could be much better spent actually directly helping drug users. We, as drug users, have told the government repeatedly that this will NOT help us and that the national anti-drug strategy is NOT helping anyone but the interests of the rich. The creation of an unregulated black market does not help anyone: violence, impure drugs cut with unknown substances, unreliable sources and huge profits all lead to worse conditions for drug users. As always, the Justice Minister ignores those who don't want to quit, pretending that they aren't even a demographic.

What really fucking pisses me off though, is his constant mentioning of children and youth. Who the fuck is he to fucking say he knows what youth want? Most youth didn't vote, and those who did probably didn't vote for the Cons; who would vote for a party who wants to criminalise you for your lifestyle? And when was the last time a drug dealer sold drugs to 'children'? He is such a fan of scare tactics that it scares ME! Apparently being under 25 makes you a child in the eyes of the Justice Minister -- well, in my opinion, HE'S the child here, kicking and screaming because he can't get what he wants.

From zoom!'s blog, knitnut.net:

"Insite has come to symbolize harm reduction in this country, which is why it’s
being so aggressively targeted by the Conservative government. The principles of
harm reduction run counter to Conservative ideology, which is purely about
police and prisons, with a bit of treatment for youth thrown in, and maybe some
moralistic, simplistic, fear-based propaganda masquerading as
prevention.
Despite overwhelming evidence that the US approach to drugs and
addiction is profoundly ineffective and hugely expensive, our government
stubbornly continues to imitate it. I don’t get it."

Tons and tons of scientific research has been completed in recent years proving beyond a doubt that we need to continue a progressive, harm reduction- and evidence-based approach to the drug issues in Canada. Constant opposition to these policies is not helping anyone; meanwhile more and more people contract diseases such as HIV and Hep C, or die of overdoses, or get sent to jail and criminalized, leaving them unable to ever gain any sort of gainful employment.

I'm almost shaking with rage. I knew this was going to happen but it still fucking surprises me when our fucking dictator Harper does this stupid shit. Ideologies are the most disgusting, dirty form of politics, and somehow we let it go on. That's what really kills me: we're supposed to be a fucking democracy. Which brings me to my next point:

CALL YOUR FUCKING MP! Write a letter to the Justice Department! Or to Health Canada! Like, you HAVE to if you care about these issues at all. The gov't claims that it's representing Canadians, however, 1/5 voted for the Cons, and 4/5 either didn't vote or voted for someone else -- they have NO IDEA what Canadians really want and we HAVE TO LET THEM KNOW!

Please, stand and be counted -- go to this website, right now, and email your MP. Please, do it! We need you to raise your voice and tell the Conservatives that they cannot get away with this anymore. That you support science over ideals, and evidence over rhetoric. We cannot win this fight without the support of regular, everyday people, and we cannot get rid of the Cons if we don't vote against them!

My next post will probably be one of the guest posts I announced a while ago. I'm still working on contacting everyone and getting them to write them but I have two on the way!

Another nomination!

2010-02-03T10:19:00.004-05:00

Somebody nominated me for the Health & Wellness category at the CWAs... that's three categories! I hope I win something.

Also, look over there (<------) at my blogroll and check out DeQuincieJynxie, frickin' cool blog about different batches of heroin in New York (Brooklyn, really)... makes me want to go visit!

Public washrooms & the State of things!

2010-02-01T12:17:00.006-05:00

So, as I was wandering around the Market/Rideau last night, I was pondering a few things. I was thinking about how nobody really likes to see things through the eyes of a drug user. Why is this? Why is it so hard for people to empathize with drug users?

I think it relates to how we're raised. From the time you were able to speak and read, your head started to get filled with anti-drug user propaganda. Your parents lamented how awful it would be if they ever caught you using drugs; at school, your teachers continually remind you of how negative drugs are and how bad drug users are to the community. Then Grade 7 or 8 rolls around, and they hit you with the D.A.R.E program, in which a cop comes in and scares the living shit out of every last one of you and your friends, or, alternatively, tries to suck you in with all the cool props ("Oh my god!! That's what cocaine looks like?" "Yes, little Jimmy, and doing it will make you go crazy and kill your friends!" "Gee Constable Post, I can't imagine how horrible it must be out there!" "Well little Jimmy, that's why I'm here to protect you and your friends from the savages that are drug users..." etc.).

The reason I was thinking about this was because I was trying to find a public washroom to shoot up in. I had just scored and had to walk all the way from Montreal Rd. down to the Rideau Centre. And then I remembered, Dr. Lynne Leonard's multiple studies have found that the Rideau Centre is one of the most commonly used places to shoot up by junkies in and around the Market area. During the summer I know that parks are used as well, but the Rideau Centre is still #1 on the list.

I started thinking, how sterile could it possibly be? I mean I know they make every effort to keep the place clean, and as much as I push harm reduction I have some bad habits when it comes to using safely (mostly because of the fear of enforcement, often I have no choice but to use in unsafe areas/rush things), but even so, I still like to think that where I'm using is relatively safe. But is it? The number of people that go through the men's bathroom (especially the one off the food court, which was identified as one of the most commonly-used in the mall) in a single day is probably mind-boggling. I usually have to check all five stalls before I find one that's relatively clean.

Then, of course, there's always the fear that the renegade security guards will kick down the door and break your face. I have heard so many horror stories about using those bathrooms and getting dragged out/beaten from being caught. Argh, it's very frustrating to try and convince these people that they're actually doing bad things.

Yet another reason for a safe consumption site, if we even needed another one.

On another note, I've asked a huge list of Harm Reduction SUPERSTARS! to write guest posts for my blog! These include Dr. Lynne Leonard, PhD in Epidemiology @ uOttawa; Susan Boyd, University of Victoria; Tara Lyons, Executive Director of the CSSDP; Caleb Chepesiuk, Director of the CSSDP; Ann Livingston of VANDU; zoom! of knitnut.net; and many many more! Many, many more! Trust me, it'll be awesome!

Keep tuned for these guest posts!

Nominated for the Canadian Weblog Awards!

2010-01-28T11:23:00.006-05:00

This blog has been nominated for the Canadian Weblog Awards in the Category of Best New Weblog! I'm super excited & honoured to have been picked. [Edit: Also, apparently, in the category of Life!]

This Saturday at Umi Cafe there's an event in support of Akili Castlin, who is a slam poet being held as a political prisoner at Pelican Bay State Penitentiary in California. I'm going to be performing two of his poems from his new book Who Am Eye: A Spokenword Memoir. So feel free to come out, it's on Saturday at 7pm.

In other news, the HRYAC (Harm Reduction Youth Advisory Committee) is really busy right now, we're developing our flagship presentation which can be re-used in any different circumstance. I took the lead on designing it's layout, and I went with a sandbox/module style, which gives us a lot of flexibility in adapting it for a specific audience or specific topic. The Hep C team (separate from HRYAC), is doing a monthly Hep C social night, which is basically an advanced Hep C educational workshop, in a chill environment, target at positive or at-risk youth.

Also, we're doing a series of outreach by a new 'subgroup' called S.U.A.V.E. -- Substance Users Are Very Educated (I can crank out the acronyms, it's one of my new tasks as a member of the committee, lol) which does a weekly outreach of some sort relating to the stigma of addiction.

This week we showed Requiem of a Dream, which used to be one of my favourite movies until I became dependant on opiates and started working in harm reduction. Now when I watch the movie (and whenever I watch a movie I watch with a critical eye, thanks to the film studies course I took) I realize how many social stereotypes are present in the movie, and how badly Darren Aronofsky presents addicts. Everything is just the most extreme, negative consequences of not using any harm reduction tools -- basically the bad side of bad which only happens in a very small number of cases nowadays. When the movie was set perhaps these things were more common but losing an arm to flesh-eating disease, for example, rarely happens. A good friend of mine had flesh-eating disease on her arms from injecting and she didn't know what it was until she developed sepsis and had to go the hospital. She has extensive scarring but medical science is a miracle and totally fixed her up.

On February 4th, YSB will be unveiling their new 'brand' (although they're trying to make that NOT the official reason for the get-together) and throwing a party in celebration of 50 years of service to the Ottawa community. As I mentioned in previous posts, I was in the photo shoots for the new pamphlets/brochures/banners etc. and I'm going to be speaking. It's on the 4th at de la Salle high school on Old St. Patrick Street. You can register here. You can see on their website that the models they used were obviously NOT street-involved and our biggest feedback was that they were unrelatable.

In other news, I had $100 yesterday and I overpaid for my dope by a fucking long shot, I paid $27 each for Hydromorph-contin 24mg capsules, which is WAY overpriced. So I had to drain all of my money and I don't even have anything to show for it this morning besides a few smokes. I also put myself at risk (again) about a month ago so I'm going for my HIV rapid test in a few days. I know you're supposed to wait three months but I like to get tested a lot. Call me paranoid. I also fucking mangled my back somehow while sleeping last night and I'm in a lot of pain today. So far my day has been really fucking annoying -- I'm at Operation Come Home and everyone is just getting on my nerves. One kid was coughing without covering his mouth in the kitchen, and everyone else was just packed like sardines into the kitchen, making it impossible to actually accomplish any sort of cooking, and when I mentioned this they got upset at ME. So I said you guys can have a jolly old time doing nothing and wasting the time we do have in here to make something to eat while I go chain-smoke. So I'm in a bad mood right now.

New Faces of YSB!

2010-01-21T10:09:00.002-05:00

Here's just a quick update on the photo shoot -- these are my co-workers and I shot by Dwayne Brown.

Check out the photos here or click on the title of this post.

Mural! New face of YSB! Dissertation!

2010-01-20T09:43:00.002-05:00

I volunteered last week to work on a mural celebrating YSB's 50th anniversary in Ottawa. Which is cool, but I'm not really a visual artist, I'm a musician/poet, so I was worried I wouldn't be able to contribute much, and we were getting paid pretty decently. But, in the end, I ended up doing a lot more than I thought I would, and the mural is kickass. I have some pictures but we're not supposed to show anyone until the grand unveiling on Feb. 4th I think. Should be some pictures in the Ottawa Citizen of us working on it in the next couple of weeks.

Another quick note, last week the Conservative government lost their appeal of InSite's constitutional validity (of course) and are now probably making more evil plans to try and get them shut down again. I'd like to point out that many, many people have tried to shut InSite down but it's doors have not ONCE been closed since the day they started. Go Harm Reduction!

A girl named Lauren from Ottawa U wants to interview me -- apparently she reads my blog, as do a lot of you! Which makes me nice and warm and fuzzy inside. I told a lot of people at the Blueprints conference about this blog but it seems to be catching on here in Ottawa too.

Also, if you can, go to the Medecins Sans Frontieres/Doctors without Borders website and make a small donation, that would be really cool. They're doing a lot of amazing work in Haiti, not to mention almost every other part of the world. I heard colloquially that they used to do a mobile needle exchange in Moscow, but I don't know if that's true or if it was another organization.

So I gotta go be the new face of YSB -- that's right, they're taking pictures of me for pamphlets, posters and the like. I can post those here soon hopefully.

See ya soon guys! Check out my blogroll if you have the time.

Yasir Naqvi seems fake to me! MASC and YSB!

2010-01-15T11:20:00.004-05:00

So about thirty minutes or so ago Yasir Naqvi, MPP for Ottawa-Centre, came up to me as if we knew each other from way back and started asking questions. "How are you? What have you been up to? Staying busy here at YSB?" I don't recall if we've ever actually met in person but he may remember me from my energetic protests against his awful SCAN legislation. It strikes me as rather odd that someone who would support YSB so much could possibly develop such a terrible bill? If he knew the first thing about what we do here, or that my committee actually existed (Harm Reduction Youth Advisory) maybe he'd feel differently.

Anyway, the reason I ran into him in the first place, along with Jim Watson (bleccchh!) and the Provincial Minister of Culture (which to me seems an oxymoron) is because of a new partnership between MASC (which I think stands for Multicultural Arts in Schools and Communities, but they don't really use that name) and YSB. The Province gave us $90,000 to send our youth to their courses -- I signed up for Slam Poetry with Mehdi and Dramatic Arts with this real cool actor lady.

Also, some really exciting stuff that I can't tell all the details of right now -- but here's a glimpse: I'm being hired to work on someone's Ph.D.! Which is super cool -- but even cooler is the fact that this soon-to-be doctor is teaching a course at Carleton in the summer on their dissertation topic, which usually doesn't happen, because you have to wait a long time to teach the courses you want. And here it is -- I'm being invited to be a GUEST LECTURER! At Carleton! On a course about drug policy! Anyone else excited?

On another note, I've resumed attending the art program thru Ottawa Innercity Ministries. I've been writing poems and lyrics in proliferation. Also I've signed up for the JAC (Job Action Centre) Program at Operation Come Home which pays youth $9.50 an hour to learn employability skills and look for a job, or look into school and educational opportunities. It's a 6-week program, and I'll be doing my interview in February, probably the first week. So I'll be getting $570 every two weeks! Yay! I might actually be able to do something constructive. That's way over double what I get for welfare a month, not to mention it should seamlessly merge with a job.

Anyway I gotta run cause I gotta get to the Young Men's Shelter to start painting this mural for the 50th Anniversary Celebration of YSB. Please comment if you enjoyed reading this!

Update from Operation Come Home!

2010-01-11T08:44:00.002-05:00

So I got booted out by that same asshole roommate, and couchsurfed for a bit but am now staying at the Sally Ann. Am posting this morning from Operation Come Home, which has changed a LOT since the last time I was here about a year ago!

The kitchen has been totally renovated and looks like a... super, ultra modern, very expensive kitchen! Brand new everything, and it looks like people are taking good care of the place.

Had a big breakfast, but I have to save some room because I'm having lunch with Tara Lyons, my friend and colleague at the CSSDP -- she's the Executive Director whilst I'm just a lowly Advisory Board member...

Rather tired but not too uncomfortable, I'm getting paid to go to HIV 101 tonight (not like I need the training) so I can have a relatively stress-free day.

Thanks for commenting guys, even just a short one lets me know that people are reading this! It really helps. Plus you can "vote" for my blog by accessing it thru topblogs.ca and going to Personal... eventually I should get back up on the leaderboard!

Take care everyone.

Bleak light in a dark day!

2010-01-08T02:37:00.006-05:00

So our wonderful Mr. Harper (who my grandmother thinks is just grand!) has decided that fascism is just a lot easier than democracy -- and who can blame him? Instead of having to ask questions about stuff, just tell everyone what to do -- I mean, it's more fun to be lazy at your job, right? And when the Canadians are looking, he does his little throat-clearing routine and fires off an important sentence, like "We are doing what we feel is in the best interests of all Canadians." Well, I'm a Canadian, and this is NOT in my best interest, save for one little fact: Prorogation clears ALL bills out of the House and Senate -- which means that Bill C-15 is officially dead! For the moment!

Harper has already vowed to re-introduce these bills, and the House will vote on whether to re-introduce them at the stage they were at or to start them back at the beginning. Zoom! outlined in her blog post the other day what's going on and who to contact: also, contact your MP and any cabinet minister you feel like bugging. And as XUP mentioned in her comments, include a question in your letter because then they have to reply to you! Good thinking, whoever made that rule.

So we'll have to wait and see for the fate of C-15. Craig Jones, the executive director of the John Howard Society, recently made some really good points about the cost of incarcerating so many people. I think I've met him at one conference or another and I really like the stuff he brings up -- nobody ever thinks ahead when putting drug war agendas forward, they just want to seem tough. But look at what happened in the US -- a disgusting percentage of African-Americans are incarcerated and the cost of the Corrections department has skyrocketed, and crime rates haven't been affected!

The first few months of the new year are usually political activist season for me and my drug policy cronies, but unfortunately Mr. Harper ruined my fun :-( . However, there's still going to be a lot going on. The American version of the CSSDP (Canadian Students for a Sensible Drug Policy) is having their annual conference, a twin version of the conference I just attended in Vancouver. It's in San Francisco and looks really good! I wish I had been invited... but I guess I was lucky enough to get to speak at the Blueprints conference.

At my weekly HRYAC (Harm Reduction Youth Advisory Committee) meeting this past Wednesday, one of my colleagues brought a really cool booklet titled XXX: A Sex Workers Handbook. It outlined so much stuff I can't even reiterate it all here: how to stay safe on the street, how to work with your employer to protect yourself, how to fuck safely on drugs, harm reduction tips for doing drugs, where to get more info on STIs and where to get tested, tips for working with other workers and how to keep each other safe and off police radar, how to protect yourself when advertising your services, etc., etc. It was really, really cool and it's because of groups like POWER (Prostitutes of Ottawa-Gatineau Work Educate Resist) that stuff like this gets published.

Also at my meeting, we watched a video that I ordered from the CATIE Ordering Centre (Canadian AIDS Treatment Information Exchange) called Sleeping Giant: A Day in the Life of a Needle Exchange Program. It's filmed in Thunder Bay and it's only 11 minutes long, but in that time they say so much about the stuff drug users have to go through, it blew me away. Also, there's a campaign called Nothing About Us Without Us created by the Canadian HIV/AIDS Legal Network in partnership with the International Network of People Who Use Drugs (INPUD) -- I ordered their manifesto on a huge poster, also from CATIE, and have been trying to put it up wherever I can. Check it out, and if you want a copy, let me know -- because I work for YSB and ACO I can order stuff for free from their website. I mean, anyone can, but if it's being distibuted thru a social service the people at CATIE probably feel better about it. Or print out a copy and put it up somewhere! It's quite possibly the BEST piece that I've seen put together, and it was written by drug users. Every time I read it, my heart just fills with fire and I want to go out and change the world. It's quite inspiring. I almost cried the first time I read it!

Other than that, I'm on the CSSDP's Advisory Board, with people like Gabor Maté, Phillipe Lucas (Victoria City Councillor), Susan Boyd (Victoria University) and a whole bunch of other Harm Reduction big-wigs. I feel a bit overwhelmed being on such a panel but I'm very, very honoured and happy to be a part of it! During our teleconferences I always feel like I shouldn't say much because these people actually know what they're doing, but I can't help but open my big mouth and blab. The reason I mention this is because the next one is on Monday and if you like I can copy the minutes here afterward so you can see what we're up to.

Hope everyone's having a good new year! Take care -- and please leave a comment! I need to know that people are actually reading this or else I'm going to give up.

Christmas Eve..

2009-12-24T23:13:00.002-05:00

So I woke up this morning at 6AM after falling asleep at 4AM because the lady's mother called: she's getting picked up at 7:30, not 11AM!! So it's time to get up and get going. I do everything I can to get her ready but she's still nervous, and seeking comfort from me. Every time she turns to me with that anxious look, and I see her see my smile, and it leaks onto her face too -- it just makes me feel so good, so deep inside. What could possibly be wrong about that? It's harder every day for me to put myself in her shoes : how did I feel, exactly a year ago, coming out of a two-year relationship myself? And that's what she's facing right now. Mind you, the asshole was abusive and that's why I'm here to begin with -- to comfort and protect. But those you comfort and protect have a way of creeping deep into your heart when you're trying as hard as you can to keep it made of stone.

Especially when she's absolutely beautiful... and the way her eyes pierce so deeply into you makes you feel so open and so happy. I know I've gone and put myself in the stupidest position possible but she keeps hinting that she actually DOES want to start a relationship even though we both know that it might not work. Does anyone have any advice on how to make a rebound actually work? I think as long as I let her grieve and I don't let her use me as a temporary balm, and she can still work through her feelings without ignoring them, I think it could.

That's because I believe anything can work when there's love involved. It's hard to sit here wondering what she'll say when she gets back -- she trusted me to apartment-sit and she said if the place isn't destroyed when she gets here she'll a) have the "best Christmas present you'll ever have" and b) she might "leap into my arms and allow herself to get carried away" which I think might be code for ... well let's not analyze too much here. I don't need to know what it means until it happens. But I have a pocketful of sunshine that says it works out.

Anyway, I'm tired. I miss her. I have to go crawl into her bed by myself and try to sleep. And then do it again tomorrow night, and the night after that too......

*sigh* . Sleepytime.

Love lost! Lunch with zoom!

2009-12-21T11:37:00.003-05:00

Nothing too exciting to tell about, except another heartbroken story.

A girl, who I'll call Sarah (not her real name), recently started hanging out at the house with myself and my roommates, because she was fighting with her boyfriend. They had a huge fight here, and she was super upset, and just immediately wrapped her arms around me! We ended up spending the night together, and we talked a lot, and she really likes me, and I really like her, but we can't start a relationship because it would just be a rebound and never work out.

It's just torturing me because she's so wonderful. I could spend ten pages ranting about her radiant beauty but I'll spare you the details. Needless to say, I fall in love way too easily, and I've been trying as hard as I can not to because I know it won't work out. She says she really likes me too, and she thinks I'm really sweet, etc. but right now she just needs sympathy/pity love and that's alright with me. I'm trying to keep my heart out of it, but it's really really hard and I've been going crazy. She's still upstairs sleeping right now and she's going back to her place tonight to spend the night there (possibly with another friend, she told me) and as hard as I try not to get emotionally involved I'm a little teary this morning. My heart is aching a little bit. I keep doing this to myself, getting involved where I shouldn't (read: posts about Rita) and I have to find someone who I can actually get involved with.

We talked about 'down the line' and we agreed that once she's over this guy there's a chance we could start something up, but by then who knows where I'll be at? She uses opiates too, but she hasn't been using that long (about 8 months) and she wants to get clean in January. She says she wants to get clean 'with me' and I would love to, but I want to do it so that we can be clean together and I don't know what she's thinking. Sigh...

Here she is sleeping this morning...

See why I'm so crazy? The sun loves her too...

Still trying to figure out why we do this to ourselves. I mean, being in love feels so good and so amazing, but then we always end up heartbroken, clutching at the person we're losing, trying so hard to hold on but really just pushing them away.

I should probably stop writing because I'm just making myself more upset. I'm going to try and get one picture with her so I can have something to hold on to and think about... I mean her eyes are the most beautiful, piercing green, and her smile lights up the whole world... and the way she holds me when we're falling asleep... it just kills me. I'm so torn!

Anyway, tomorrow I'm having lunch with zoom! and I think that it will be a good chance to let this out a little bit to a good friend. We haven't met up for lunch in forever so it'll be really good to sit and chat! This time I get to blog about her -- which I think will make for an awesome blog entry tomorrow.

Hope you guys are still reading this, and I hope I'm not boring you to tears.

-JM

David After Dentist! ONDU delayed...

2009-12-17T08:07:00.005-05:00

Wow ... I remember by ex-girlfriend showing me this clip a few years back. I didn't really pay all that much attention or else I might have noticed what he was saying a bit more closely -- add in his behaviour, and I was amazed. I've always had a huge interest in psychology, neuroscience, biochemistry and the like. Especially the chemistry behind drugs.

What strikes me about this video is that the things he does are identical to that which you would see in an adult experiencing a bad acid/mushroom trip (or any hallucinogen, really). The line about "Will this be forever?" is rather telling, because I've been there (on acid) and it's fucking terrifying. Thinking that you've broken your brain (especially when you pride yourself on your intelligence (and not your ego)) is just about the most frightening thing I can think of. He says "I feel funny -- why is this happening to me?" and you can feel his discomfort clearly -- the only thing more frightening that a bad acid trip is being on a bad trip and not understanding why! His father tries to explain but you can't tell he can't grasp the concept of medicine making you feel worse.

Also, "I can't see anything!" and the screaming... and the statements like "I have two fingers... no, four fingers." and "I don't feel tired." (basically just random observations) are straight out of the (non-existant) textbook on hallucinogens. Plus, he's obviously very confused, and the "You have four eyes!" could be a reference to glasses or a crazy hallucination.

Did I mention this was the #2 most-watched video on YouTube in 2009?

Did I mention that I can't figure out, even with my expertise in drug use, what the hell he's on? My first thought was laughing gas, but that wears off within about 120 seconds. My next choice was ketamine, and this seems the most likely, especially in a small dose. Ketamine is used mostly in vetrinary medicine as a general anesthetic. It is sometimes used in humans because it is the only general anesthetic that we have that does not lower heart rate or breathing. Pretty useful -- except the horrible side effects! The dose they have to give you to knock you out is something like thirty times the average recreational dose -- and let me tell you, ketamine is an extremely powerful psychoactive. It is classified as a dissociative -- the name almost explains itself. Your conscious and unconcious become less separate ("Is this the real world?"), and you tend to have quite a disconnect from reality. It can be an extremely fun and entertaining recreational drug. I have a photo I'd love to post but can't.. ah well. Anyway, even in low amounts you can get into what is called a k-hole, where the user feels like they can't move or think straight (but not necessarily in a bad way) and you have subtle yet intense closed and open eye visual and it kinda feels like the fabric of space-time is maybe wrapped around you like a warm blanket. Or, in some cases, the fabric of space-time is trying to strangle you and the little green elves are orchestrating the attack.

This particular instance is not harmful, obviously, it just got me thinking about the human brain and psychoactives. I mean, maybe kids could have a blast if they were taught what they were but there are too many variables and young brains are not properly developed to a) give consent and b) get something unique out of the experience. This video just blew me away and made me think a LOT.

Dissociatives were one of the most intriguing classes of drugs I've ever tried. I also tried dextromethorphan hydrobromide (found in cough syrups and lozenges marked DM or the like) and it's very similar but slightly different (it's been so long I can't really remember). If you're curious buy a couple boxes of Extra-Strength Sucretes, eat both of them in one sitting, try and relax and maybe visit another dimension. I'm not kidding, it's that easy to get that fucked up.

Anyway, social commentary averted for now, this kid is a remarkable study in why we shouldn't EVER give hallucinogens to kids. I'm still confused as to what they gave him, because unless it was a crazy invasive procedure (which I don't think it was) then ketamine would have been totally unnecessary. Anesthesiology was not my strongest subject, so if anyone could shed some light that would be awesome.

In other news, today at YSB is Angels with Backpacks -- a program we've been doing ever since I've been involved. Community members donate backpacks and LOTS of stuff to cram into them -- survival gear, food, etc. and we give them out as part of our holiday celebration. It starts at 3 and goes till 8, and it's always a blast. If you're EVER interested in donating anything to anyone, contact me, and I guarantee I can make your donation a lot more effective. For example, you want to donate something to help youth learn about HIV or something. Well, I can give you a selection of agencies that do that in Ottawa, and contact numbers :) Or, if Angels with Backpacks sounds good, you can contact our program director Liette and help out next year. Or you could donate time anytime thru YSB or by serving a holiday dinner this Christmas (or thereabouts -- we try to keep it secular ;) )

Cheers, and comments are always appreciated. If anyone even reads this anymore :-(

Oh, and the first meeting of ONDU has been delayed until the new year. I've got to organize things a little better.

The Great Score

2009-12-15T06:47:00.005-05:00

So this past weekend I picked up the ol' habit of 'flying a sign', that is, to car-panhandle, which is to say, to ask for the financial assistance of any somebody travelling by vehicle at a vehicular four-way electrical arrêt.
I do believe that it is a rather relaxing pastime, what with the soothing, soft sounds of an engine purring, a window being rolled down to reveal the face of a kind stranger, the crunching of a snow tire treading its way through our precipitous Canadian metropolis.
The warmth generated by a continual freeloading calisthenics routine, up and down, down and up the median, keeping a sometimes legitimate sometimes frustrated happy grin upon my face, as an actor wouldst in thine favourite opus.
The nervous, nauseous, nerve-wracking, noticing of a currently coming, cruising cop car, glaring ingloriously, greatly grated by my giddy gestures.
The sweet stench of the college '92 Toyota being wafted into my face by the electric heater, causing me to accidentally forget what I'm -- what? Oh, yeah, have a safe drive! Take care now!
The ever-changing current of excitement, shocked back into action upon the receipt of a five, waving profusely for a ten, and clutching my heart, swooning my thanks, for the twenty.

There's a superstition, you know, that for every concurrent five dollars received in one drop you must take a break for one light. If you don't you're guaranteed to fuck up some how. I got a five, and waited, and got another five, and waited, and got another five, and then had to fly for a bloody hour to make the last two, three and one. Twenty dollars, cobbled together on a whim of adventure.

Alas, and so sorry am I to those who do not approve, but -- not really, because I don't care -- I roll with straight dollars to score some jazz. I'm given my kite after a drive, seat belts on lest we get cherry cheesecake on the windshield.

And finally, body aching sweating rejecting, pulse pounding with no pressure, ears popping, legs moving, vision blurred, chills violently slowing me to my goal like lightening to a YOW-bound plane in the sky above. I struggle out of the 05 Vibe, feet blocks of ice, socks doing nothing, goddammit, why the fuck are my socks so wet? It's these fucking goddamn shoes, can't I just get fucking inside, whoa buddy, stay calm, we can do this, it's no use getting upset over, just keep walking, there's the door, blast of heat, feeling returns.

Shaking, rip shoes off, stumble down hall, fall onto couch. Take out equipment, lighter, stomach cramping, spoon, water, filters, gonna shit myself, Vit C, don't forget the fit, mix, heat, stop shaking or I'll spill it, draw up, poke, poke, %^@#$, poke, flag, push push push inject....

wait...

wait...

wait...

there it is...

no... did I... couldn't have...

wait, that IS it...

sweat drying legs stopping chills fading feet warming heart slowing pressure rising ears relaxing vision clearing muscles simultaneously relaxing... the couch gives way to the clouds that I know, from prior experience, are waiting just underneath for me to sink into. I give in to the glorious glow, and let myself smile, inside and out, for nobody can tell me not to do this. It is what I like to do, at the end of the day.

And that's the great score. You will never understand it till you're here.

Technorati code: VCWUB5NB4WPY

Unfortunately, I had to disable the Adult Content warning to post this code. Sorry if you're 11, and you are reading this post, and you wouldn't have if you were asked if you were an adult. When I was 11 I was claiming to be 18 on a daily basis, so don't feel bad if you're reading this. I think it's better to be exposed to the real world.

War on drug users! Libby Davies! Clips!

2009-12-11T00:12:00.002-05:00

Once again, I find myself on the verge of tears. I cannot take any more of this shit from our government. I feel like a pendulum, one day feeling overwhelmed and discouraged and depressed over the things I hear about drug users, and the next filled to the brim with determination and anger and the will to change these things.

Please, watch these clips and tell me that the Conservative MPs have any idea what they're talking about:

I am so disheartened by the things I hear in these clips that I'm almost in tears. Again! But I've resolved to keep moving forward. The first meeting of the Ottawa Network of Drug Users is on Friday, December 18th, at the Centretown Community Health Centre from 3-5pm. While I'm at my shift at the AIDS Committee tomorrow, I'm going to finally finish working on the posters to include the date, place and time, and some potential agenda items to include. YOU ARE INVITED to come, and anyone who wants to help with putting up the posters can contact me. The CSSDP have already pledged their support, and I may also ask people for financial support to help get this thing moving. If you think you'd like to help out in any way PLEASE, contact me because I need all the time and money I can get! I'd like to mention that I am volunteering all my time, and that any money people donate will be going towards the cost of operating the group and not to pay me in any way.

I'm thinking for the first meeting to play clips like these to get people up to speed on what's going on, and maybe do a review of people's basic rights (and hand out the PIVOT cards that tell you what to say to an officer if you're stopped), plus an overview of C-15 and what it means for us. Also in future meetings, I want to have a guest speaker each meeting to open the meeting and to participate in discussions. I would like to mention that everyone is welcome, however only drug users will have a vote when it comes to making decisions.

I would ask anyone that has experience with creating budgets and/or creating democratic systems to please contact me with any advice. I've been trying to follow VANDU's model and I will be contacting them this week to announce our group and to get advice.

Thanks again to everyone who has shown support for this project, and especially to those who personally support me, and prevent me from going off the deep end and running into Parliament with a handgun.

More to come tomorrow while at work!

I feel like staying inside...

2009-12-07T15:13:00.002-05:00

So I had a very sleepy weekend. Literally, I think I slept almost all weekend. I was supposed to get my ass in gear today and go forth into the world but... I ended up sleeping until 1pm!

The snow isn't helping much, if you check out the Weather Network website, there's a huge storm heading our way. But by the time many of you read this, you'll probably have already experienced it :).

With the help of Brent and Deb from UNDUN (Unifying Networkers of Drug Users Nationally) I will be creating an ONDU website soon. I'm trying to take everyone's advice and just go slowly... there's no need to rush this group. If nobody shows up at the first meeting, hey, big whoop, there's going to be more. But it's hard to imagine not wanting to participate! Half of me thinks the whole community will be there, the other half believes that it's going to be a flop.

But either way, I tried, right? When we live under martial law, I can say I tried to start a revolution, but nobody would listen! Or, when I'm the PM and this whole damn country is flipped on its head, I can gloat and be spood bed caviar.

Okay, I'm really not in this for anything personal, and I want to confront that right now: many people have been saying behind my back that I'm in this to get famous, or to get on TV, or to bring some kind of attention upon myself. My response? What, would YOU do it? Do you think I WANT every cop in Ottawa to know I'm a drug user, not to mention city council, the federal government, and basically everyone I'm trying to hide from, including my family?

But despite all that, I feel it's something I have to do. I don't care, honestly, I don't care if my family disowns me. I feel this is bigger than that, and they'll get over it once they see I'm happy. Because it's up to me to make my own personal choices, and that's what this whole thing is about. We are free to do what we want with our bodies, and nobody has the right to tell us otherwise. If our country was not like this, I would move somewhere else. And actually, I've thought about that a number of times. If I feel discriminated against here, and attacks, and labelled by the government, can't I leave?

Think about that...

-JM

Canadian Blog Awards! Nails!

2009-12-04T23:05:00.006-05:00

So another quick update.

My good friend/co-blogee zoom! has been nominated in two categories for the Canadian Blog Awards -- Best Personal Blog (KnitNut), and also for Best Post for three different posts -- Bank Street Bully: quite possibly one of zoom!'s most outspoken moments on her blog, she caught what, in the eyes of herself and hundreds of her readers (not to mention thousands of people who read it in the paper), amounted to police brutality on the part of one Cst. Eric Post, who is known to myself and many in my circle as one of the worst and least respected officers on the Ottawa Police (at least in our eyes). He had restrained and attacked a young homeless woman (also known to me and my friends, incidentally) to the point of her bleeding and being unconcious. Check out the photos and the hundreds of reader comments! She kicked up quite a shitstorm with that one.

Second, a post called Warts, Wars and the Language of Cancer, which really needs to be read to be understood. She has, in the past year, been laid off, and fought off two serious health issues: breast cancer and extreme damage to her back, causing an enormous amount of pain (and, incidentally, got her prescribed opioid painkillers, which is something we need to talk about the next time we go out for a meal). This post goes into the language behind career change and cancer. Very compelling, enlightened, and brilliant!

Third, the post that resulted from zoom! and I meeting at a panel discussion at Carleton U. about harm reduction. I had gotten up on the mic to deliver quite a spiel as I recall about miscellany surrounding my work and youth in HR. Afterward a number of people came up to me to ask questions, and one thing led to another, and before I knew it I was supping with zoom! and being interviewed about my work and my life. The way she describes it I was quite fucked up, though for some reason I don't think I was all that high, but I might have been for all I know. It's called Harm Reduction in the Context of Real Life, and, notwithstanding the fact the subject of the article is me, is one of her best pieces ever. I could have talked for hours longer, and hopefully she and I will finally get back together and talk more, and I can blab her ear off even more. Although, as she has mentioned, I now have my own blog, and the tables might be turned, because I don't know nearly enough about her.

So go to the CBA Website and vote for zoom! Do it! Now! The voting system is pretty simple. Click next to knitnut and her posts, and choose 1st. This just initializes the system and doesn't actually count as your vote. Then click Done, and it'll take you back to the main page. Then say your choice out loud (it has voice recognition) and surf away from the page. And you're all set!

Now, on another note, I've had a rather relaxing day. I started out with the wash off of 160mg of oxycodone, which was in reality probably about 40-60mg or so. Then later on I had about a point of heroin, followed a few hours later by a wash off of a quarter gram of heroin, and then another point or so. So I've been pretty buzzed all day, and gave my bootrotted feet a day to rest. I've spent the last five hours or so trying to do an actually good job painting my nails, and don't let anyone fool you: it's fucking hard! I've been painting them black for about a month and a half now, and I'm alright at it. But to sit and do them well, using a base and top coat, and not smudging it everywhere, and doing multiple layers... holy fuck! It's fucking hard!

My left hand, as seen here, is great! I'm right-handed, and it looks awesome. I did a base coat, two layers of black (which my roommate's girlfriend Mel lent me so I didn't have to use my dollar store crap), and two layers of clear glossy top coat! Looking good for the party tomorrow. However, my right hand is crap. I keep getting it almost perfect, then I fuck it up by touching it, or opening a baggie, or something, and having to re-do it a thousand times. I finally got it done earlier, but then scratched my back and took off almost the entire middle and ring fingers on that hand! Mel told me it's cause I didn't let the black dry before adding the top coat. So I started redoing those ones, and then I took a chunk out of the thumb on that hand, and before you know it I'm redoing the whole hand. Then I got impatient and tried to speed things up and now I'm taking a break before I spill any more nail polish remover on my couch. I tried to take a picture of that hand but the crappiness didn't come through in the picture and I don't think you'd believe me that it sucks. But it does!

So GO VOTE FOR ZOOM! Remember, there's two categories -- that link goes to the personal blog poll, but the ones up above go to the main page. And have a nice night! And wish me luck with my nails.

-JM

Bonus: found this on a blog linked from knitnut, a perfect analogy of Ottawa!

World AIDS Day Bash!

2009-12-04T15:12:00.002-05:00

Super tired, just woke up after 14 hours sleep! Listening to Troublemaker by Weezer ... excellent song. Tomorrow is the World AIDS Day Bash being put on by YSB at Club SAW ... we do this every year and it kicks ass! Miranda and I are going to kill it at the rap-off.

I'm sorry that I didn't make it to the demonstration, I'm still trying to find the video or audio of Tara ... anyone? Having a hard time waking up these days... just want to roll over and go back to sleep. But if that's late to wake up, my roomates are still passed out! It's 3:14 pm! Crazy, huh? People don't understand how we can live like this.

But we love it!

Moving! Thank you readers! World AIDS Day! C-15 Protest!

2009-12-01T16:41:00.005-05:00

Hey everyone!

Thank you for the comments on my last post -- it's heartening to know that you guys are still checking out the blog. I'm going to be back up and posting full time!

So I'm moving back in with my old roomate Kris which is AWESOME -- it's a much better and way more stable environment than where I've been staying.

Today was World AIDS Day, but unfortunately I slept in and missed a lot of the events. There's a showing of FIX tonight at Algonquin College -- I wish I could get out there to see all the CSSDP folk but I'm too tired.

Tomorrow is the demonstration at Parliament Hill against C-15 ... check out their campaign page to see the details. Be there or be square!

On December 5th I have the World AIDS Day bash thru YSB which I am DJing, and doing the Rap-off. I gotta start working on my raps, actually, and I'll probably record a video of one of them and post it on here.

So I'm going back into the tangles of the social assistance program here in Ottawa to pay my rent, hopefully everything works out there.

Shoutout to zoom! for being super cool. And a shoutout to Tara & Caleb & Jon from CSSDP, and a shoutout to Michelle and Fred at ACO.

Talk to you soon!

Sorry everyone!

2009-11-28T19:41:00.003-05:00

So, I think it's safe for me to post again.

The reason I stopped is because my temporary infatuation with Rita led to her mom reading the blog, which lead to me not wanting to admit I've been using after announcing I was clean. So I'm not the clean monkey anymore, I'm a proud junkie once again, and fuck anyone who has anything derogatory to say to that.

I've been told that zoom! will once again drift over readers once I get operations back up and running.

So here's a quick update:

- it's becoming harder to find me on Elgin since it started getting colder
- I'm trying to start up the Ottawa Network of Drug Users -- first meeting probably December 18th
- I've started volunteering with the AIDS Committee of Ottawa! I do front desk and harm reduction
- On December 1st (World AIDS Day) I'm going to be super busy, handing out info with ACO and then going to a viewing of FIX at Algonquin
- On December 2nd, I'm going to be super busy, as I have a large Bill c-15 protest to facilitate, which zoom! should also be at.
- On December 5th, I'm going to be super busy, because YSB is having their World AIDS Day Bash, and there's going to be a sexual health rap-off, which I will be 'bringing it' to

Not quite sure what else to say, other than I feel a little lonely again. Sigh... why is life so confusing sometimes?

Oooh, one other thing! I'm on the CSSDP's advisory board! Imagine that!

Them Crooked Vultures!!

2009-11-10T14:01:00.003-05:00

Wow, so Them Crooked Vultures has streamed their entire debut album on YouTube! TCV is Josh Homme of the Queens of the Stone Age, Dave Grohl of Nirvana/Foo Fighters etc, and John Paul Jones of Led Zeppelin fame. Pretty cool mix if you ask me.

Kinda frustrated today because my heart is telling me to get the hell out to Smiths Falls but everything that could go wrong has so I'm still stuck in Ottawa. Anyone want to give me a lift out to the highway so I can hitch? I just need to get to the Terry Fox exit of the highway and I can go from there.

Anyway, here's the entire album in a mini-player (I think).

Or, if that didn't work, click on this to go to the page.

Rita came to O-Town! Liz knows how to drive! YSB Adopts (maybe) a universal HR policy!

2009-11-05T12:01:00.003-05:00

So a couple important updates:

After waiting thru all of Monday and Tuesday yearning for my baby, she came and picked me up with her ma at 2pm yesterday and we went for lunch at an awesome restaurant in the Radisson hotel (which was the location of the New Year's fire -- both Rita and I know the people involved!). Her mom, who is by all accounts an amazing driver, was understandably frustrated with city drivers. I'm totally on her side -- Ottawa drivers are either slow and distracted, or completely aggressive and idiotic! We got a fairly good mix of both, and I've never had a girlfriend's mother be able to use such a lovely string of swearing! It was actually quite awesome. I joined in!

So the lunch was amazing, we had fajitas which came with a combination of different meats - we had sirloin steak, sauteed shrimp and chicken breast. Fresh green and red peppers, onions etc. plus rice and beans! It was excellent. We were all trying to be polite and use forks, etc, until Rita (and this is what I love about her) said "Fuck it, I'm using my hands!" which totally broke the tension and we all started laughing. She's such an awesome people person!

Then we drove out to Innes to pick up Rita's property -- which was a trip down memory lane for both of us. We couldn't stop cracking jokes about the guards and stuff and we actually had a good time sitting in the lobby waiting for the guards to bring her stuff! Magic happens everywhere my friends.

They dropped me off at work (sniffle) and I hurried into my meeting cause I was a little late. Turns out last night was the night two of my teammates were presenting to the YSB Board of Directors about adopting a bureau-wide harm reduction policy! I was super stoked and did everything I could to help them prepare. This is something that I've been trying to champion for a long time and I'm super happy it's going through. I mean the board hadn't confirmed anything last night but after talking to Alex Munter right before I left, he seemed pretty happy with everything. I'm willing to bet they were treating the meeting as more of a consultation than a lobby.

A big shoutout to Chris at ACO for essentially making this all happen -- I would never have thought to ask Rita if she was crushing on me without him! I mean, I knew that I liked her but usually girls don't dig me like that so I was extremely surprised when he told me so!

I went panning on Tuesday night for the first time in a while and it certainly was different when you're not trying to buy drugs! There was no pressure and I could actually talk more with people. I even made more money than usual because I wasn't running off every $10!

So, in closing, I miss you Rita and I'm going to call you today -- I hope you get my letter tomorrow! And it was awesome talking for so long on the phone last night. And Liz, thank you again for taking us out like that and dropping me off at work -- I really, really appreciate it!

Take care readers!

Quick pic!

2009-11-02T16:47:00.002-05:00

So this is a picture of my dad and I when I was about six years old. I thought it was pretty sweet myself. My dad sent this to me for my 21st birthday last month.

Tomorrow, hopefully, I'll upload the pics of myself & the lady friend on Hallowe'en!

Poetry for healing! The opiate of love -- and chocolate!

2009-11-02T11:37:00.005-05:00

(note: I apologize for the spelling errors -- I'm fucking exhausted)

Another day come and gone, and here I am at YSB for the first time since I left for Vancouver. My body is in total exhaustion mode -- I can barely keep my eyes open. But I feel good! I woke up and again was put into tears because I wasn't dopesick. What a beautiful feeling! To wake up and be able to do whatever I like. So I had a smoke, watched some TV and then went and called Rita. We talked for a minute but she was just waking up so now I'm sitting here waiting for her to call back :-) She's my shining light right now -- she's been clean for 37 days! I'm so proud of her.

So in my opinion? This is going to work. I don't care if I have to move to SF or Brockville or wherever she ends up. I really have an overwhelming positive feeling about this thing; something I haven't felt in so long I almost forgot what it felt like. As I mentioned in my last post she's got a couple years on me. This, I truly believe, is going to be very important. Every other girl I've dated has been younger. Not only is Rita older than me, she's about a thousand times tougher than me too. So if we ever get jumped in the street, she'll be the one kicking the snot out of the motherfucker. I think this is just what I needed!

We listened to some music together yesterday and I was really getting into it, headbanging and the whole nine yards. It was Rage Against the Machine -- a band I absolutely love but haven't listened to in forever. Music actually SOUNDS better now -- and being a musician this is quite an important revelation!

She's coming to Ottawa on Wednesday for an appointment. She's only allowed here with her mom (who ROCKS the SHIT!) accompanying her. I can't wait that long to see her again! To hold her in my arms and float away. Better than any drug I've ever done is the feeling I get with her lips on mine and her scent in my brain. The chocolate she fed me may as well have been heroin for the high it gave me! Do I sound like I'm 13 and having my first love all over? Cause that's how I feel!

So Vancouver -- a few more details. I got off the bus and immediately this guy came up to me and asked if I wanted to buy an umbrella. I was pretty sure he was a resident of the DTES (though I don't like to make assumptions based on looks). So I hinted that I was looking for something a bit more illegal than an umbrella. He walked with me all the way up Main to Hastings and helped me score. And thus began my adventures in the DTES. A big thank you to Ken at VANDU -- and everyone else too -- for making me feel safe and secure in a situation in which I would have been contemplating suicide.

Wow! I'm so tired I'm fucking hallucinating when I drift off. I keep seeing the people in the posters in here sliding off the edges of the frame! I even had a good sleep last night so I think that speaks a lot to how much your body needs to recover from this shit.

Argh! Still waiting for her call.

Please call me darling!

And now for the poetry: (the grammar might be wrong, forgive me)

Kjære Rita min --
~~ fordi deg er forskjellig
og fordi deg er vakker ~~
--- jeg elsker deg ---
jente min
vennen min
glad i deg - selvfølgelig -- heldig meg!
End poem.

Plus I'm working on a song for her too. I hope I'm not making a complete fool out of myself!

Thanks everyone -- more to come later so stay tuned!

JM

Back in Ottawa? New love?!? Clean?!?!?!?

2009-11-01T11:13:00.004-05:00

So I left Vancouver at 6:45 pm on Monday -- I did my last hit of junk a few hours before that. I have not done another hit since then! So I'm like almost six days clean!

Upon getting back to Ottawa I crashed with my roommate from before I left. It was really good to see him and his girlfriend -- I missed them so much while I was gone! My first day back I spent the day hanging out at the AIDS Committee of Ottawa. Chris, who is a buddy of mine who works there, told me that while I was gone there was a girl asking about me. He told her that I was in Vancouver and she seemed disappointed -- so he promised to give me her phone number and make me call. Turns out, it's a girl named Rita who I've had a secret crush on for ages -- who would have thought she did too! She just got out of jail after doing a month, and is now 36 days clean. I came out to Smiths Falls to visit because she's -- get this -- red zoned from the entire City of Ottawa! Talk about harsh.

So I'm in Smiths Falls right now, having met her mom, stepdad, stepbrother etc. We went out trick-or-treating last night and I was just floating on a cloud the whole time. Honestly, never having had being clean as my goal, I must say I'm rather proud of the fact that I've gone so long without anything with no support at all! I'm not entirely sure what my plan is from here -- I'm heading back into the maws of the demon this afternoon (Centretown) and I only get to see Rita a couple times a week at best. But we make, if I do say so myself, a very cute couple, and we are totally falling head over heels for each other.

My last girlfriend was younger than me, and we were both using. It felt like I was continually having to take care of her (whether or not I actually was) and I was just a ball of stress. But Rita is -- and I NEVER thought this would happen -- two years OLDER than ME! I've never dated an older girl (not that two years is all that much) but in the last 10 months since my ex, I had a feeling that I needed someone with more life experience, who could be my co-anchor. And I think I found her :).

So a few more details on the conference. So many star players in the HR movement, I can't even list them all. The first night (Friday) was a retirement party for Donald MacPherson, ex-drug policy coordinator for the City of Vancouver. Phillip Owen, former mayor of Vancouver was also there, along with a huge contingent of CSSDP and many others who also had a vested interest in seeing Donald have a good time. Many a good speech was given and the whole crowd was in a great mood.

Day two, Donald did the opening keynote -- which was amazing. The first couple of panels were amazing -- I'm going to scan in the conference pamphlet. Or you can head over to the CSSDP's website -- the tentative schedule is very similar to what actually happened, except Donald did the opening keynote and I did the closing.

The city itself was amazing. I'm going to do a whole post on my adventures but I will say that I used both InSite and the alley outside InSite and it's pretty clear which way is up in that situation. I couldn't believe the number of people using the site! (begin snide sarcastic comments) It's just amazing, really, how many people really hate using in alleyways. I mean, you'd think that they would enjoy trying to do a sterile activity amidst human waste & biohazardous materials. It really was surprising that there was an almost 20-minute wait to get into the injection room! (end snide sarcastic comments)

That was my only beef with InSite, but someone from the CSSDP (I think Jonathan Dickinson) sat me down and explained that the reason there's a wait is because they need to expand their stalls (they only have 13) and it's still just a research project so they have very specific requirements to stay open. The staff were awesome though, and they're doing their best to accommodate everyone. But there were still people turning around and walking out the door when they saw the wait. And they were going straight into an alleyway to use. And this is EXACTLY what we're trying to avoid here, right? So fuck, we have to pressure the fucking gov't into allowing some changes. I mean, they're indefinitely open because of the case law, so we've got to move now to get this shit done and over with.

So I'm going to go help my new baby make breakfast/brunch for the family. We did the dishes together this morning and I was just glowing -- doing something that basic hasn't made me that happy in a long time. We're just two young lovebirds falling hard I think -- so watch out world!

Much love, and thanks again to all at the conference.

JM -- or is it CM?

Argh! Tired! VANDU again! Tara Rules!

2009-10-26T13:47:00.003-04:00

Hey...

It's Monday morning about 10:45 and I'm sitting in VANDU once again. It's official : my ticket is gone, so is my other bag of luggage. But VANDU, CSSDP and everyone have been amazing. It looks like the CSSDP are going to help me get home.

Thank you all for your wonderful comments -- put me in a good mood! Can't type too much -- dopesick and tired as hell.

The conference was Fucking. Awesome. My closing keynote was smooth but not quite what I wanted it to be. It did leave everyone in a good mood, I think, like Pearce said.

Thank you everyone who made this possible for me. I can't believe I made it to Van and that I'm (waaaahhh) going back.

Thank you Tara, Caleb, Jonathan, Pearce, all of the CSSDP, Ann, Ken, and everyone at VANDU..

Much love!

Exhaustion! Downtown East Side! InSite and VANDU!

2009-10-23T17:41:00.002-04:00

I'm really exhausted guys, so I'm going to make this a rather short post.

I left Ottawa at 10am Tuesday and got into Vancouver this morning a little after 9am. I had $50 left, so I went looking to score this 'amazing' Vancouver dope I hear all about.

But first of all, the bus ride. I tried to bring enough dope so that I wouldn't end up dopesick, but I was greedy on the first segment of the trip and spend all last night from Calgary to Vancouver sick as all hell. Upon de-boarding the bus, I waited for my luggage. And waited. And waited. And was told that my bag was probably in Winnipeg. With my suit and clothes and zoom!'s camera that she lent me in it. If I lost it I'll never forgive myself...
When I stepped outside the bus station a DTES local approached me and walked me to Hastings and Main to score a 10 paper ($10 of heroin). I said I'd spend $20 to get a point, which I did, but I later figured out the guy only gave me a $10 paper -- and I gave the guy $5 for finding me dope!

I went to Insite, registered and injected drugs for the first time in my life in front of nurses, in a sterile stall, with Rick James playing on the radio.

I'm so bloody tired I can barely read what I'm typing. I just broke down into tears sitting here in VANDU -- I have no money and no smokes and the conference doesn't start until tomorrow. I was going to go panhandle but it just started raining. I feel like I'm in some surreal nightmare that I can't wake up from. It's really weird being in a strange city that you know so much about yet you don't know anyone at all. I just want to go home but the fucking 3-day bus trip home is going to be another nightmare in itself. I'm feeling really helpless right now. VANDU closes at 4, and I'm going to hang out here until then. But the social thing for the conference doesn't start until 7:30 and I really don't know what to do.

It took me hours to get in touch with anyone from CSSDP, and I finally talked to Caleb. They asked me if I can do the closing keynote speech because Janna (who's supposed to do the opening keynote) probably won't make it, so the guy currently scheduled to do the closing keynote (Donald MacPherson) will be bumped to the opener so I can have a couple days to write it. I said yes immediately, even though I'm probably going to fuck the whole thing up.

I kept telling Michelle that everything I try to do that's something big like this, like a trip or whatever, something ALWAYS goes wrong, especially when things seem like they're going right. So many things almost screwed up in Ottawa but didn't -- I was actually super-excited to come out here. But then things slowly got worse, and now I'm wishing I hadn't even come. So there, Michelle! I told you so. Something always fucks up.

So my biggest issue right now is not food, or shelther, it's dope. I have no money, am too depressed and upset to go pan (plus I don't really even feel like it), but I have this goddamn addiction. Not to mention I have to figure something out for the bus ride home... see what I mean? See why I wish I hadn't come?

No doubt, the conference will be amazing and by tomorrow I'll be excited and in a good mood again. But right now I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and sleep and shoot enough dope to kill me.

So I'll keep you all updated on this waking nightmare as things unfold.

JM

Trip! Panning! Mistakes!

2009-10-15T16:24:00.008-04:00

Wow -- I feel like a complete idiot! I thought I was leaving on Saturday but Saturday is the 17th! My ticket is for the 20th... so I've been freaking out over nothing! However after realizing this I'm actually upset that I have to rot here in Ottawa for a few more days before I finally get to leave.

This is what the ticket looks like, route-wise:

(Layover in brackets)
Ottawa to North Bay (:30) -- Sudbury (1:45) -- Sault Ste. Marie (:25) -- White River (:15) -- Schreiber (:20) -- Thunder Bay (1:10)

From Ottawa to Thunder Bay will take just under 24 hours -- 10 am Oct 20 to 9:20 am Oct 21! Apparently Lake Superior seems like the longest part of the trip. Then we hit the Praries and fly!

Thunder Bay -- Upsala (:15) -- Dryden (:45) -- Kenora (:15) -- Winnipeg MB (4:40) longest layover of the trip! -- Brandon MB (:30) -- Virden MB (:15) -- Whitewood SK (:15) -- Regina SK (:40) -- Swift Current SK (:30) -- Medicine Hat AB (:30) -- Calgary AB (:30) -- Golden BC (:20) -- Revelstoke BC (:15) -- Kamloops (:25) -- VANCOUVER!!!

And here's a map of the route:

View Route to Vancouver in a larger map

So as you can see most of the layovers are pretty short. I'm going to have to get a bag of smokes so I don't die on the trip. The section from Calgary to Vancouver takes about 14 hours (thru the Rocky Mountains!) and across the praries takes about a day and a half. So there it is folks! I'm super excited!

I had a fairly normal day today (if you consider flying a sign while dodging cops normal like I do). Came to YSB to do laundry thinking I was leaving in two days. So at least I'll have clean clothes this weekend.

On a special note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZOOM! and HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH! Sarah is my friend who works at one of the needle exchanges here in Ottawa. They're both under 30 and look even younger ;-) (gotta kiss some butt sometimes, folks).

So that's all for today! I promise once again to blog along the way.

Take care!

JM

Obesity! Frantic preparations! ODing! Old friends! VANCOUVER HERE I COME BABY!

2009-10-13T15:09:00.009-04:00

So, while watching Super Size Me for the first time this weekend, I was amazed at one statistic in particular. As you may or may not know, I have Hepatitis C, which is a virus that attacks the liver and is spread through blood to blood contact - making it a disease which is highly concentrated within injection drug users. Its effects on the liver include fibrosis, which is early stage scarring of the liver, and cirrhosis, which is advanced or large scarring of the liver. According to Super Size Me, the fat content of the average obese youth in the US is so high that a study which took biopsies of their livers showed that %50 -- HALF! -- of these obese kids had fibrosis!!

Amazing, really, seeing as how I've had HCV for a couple of years and my liver is doing pretty well. It's showing damage consistent with early-stage Hep and drug use. I've been advised not to drink or smoke as much as possible, and while I never drink I still smoke. I shouldn't say never, I drink now and then but I certainly avoid it whenever possible.

So my trip to Vancouver is looming -- I have basically nothing done yet to prepare. All I really need is a change of clothes and some books, so that's all I'm bringing. I'm somewhat worried about accomodations -- they haven't told me whether or not they're offering any sort of accomodations or, more importantly, a per diem of some sort. So I'm going to see if my mom will send me some money for the trip, which would be really cool cause she was going to send me money for my birthday but never did. So I pray that all goes well!

Last night on my way home I ran into a buddy of mine, who I'll call Jim (not his real name, obviously). He was in a rush to find a bathroom (to get better) but told me to just wait a minute. He stumbled out of the bar about 5 minutes later and almost fell on his face. I caught him before he fell and helped him sit down. He was hardly breathing and could barely talk -- plus his lips were blueish, he had a weak pulse, etc. I know the signs of overdose way better than most people, and immediately asked someone to call an ambulance. You will not believe what the first guy did -- he pulls out his cell phone and starts to dial 911, when he asks, "What's wrong with him?" I was straight up and told him that he was overdosing, probably on heroin or morphine, and the guy snorted, said "Well he can get himself out of this mess," and walked off. I didn't have time to give the guy some lip service, but now that I do, FUCK YOU! You mindless, brainwashed mega-asshole KILLER. If there hadn't of been other people around my buddy would be DEAD because of you, and I've lost enough friends, motherfucker.

Phew! That felt good. Anyway a lady called 911 for us, and of course, when you call in an overdose, the cops show up to, just to stick their noses into everything and to try and bust someone for drugs. Can you believe it? They always, without fail, show up. For what? To help? That's what the ambulance is there for. All they do is slow everything down and waste vital seconds.

So I also hung out with my old friend Kat -- I flew a sign with her at Hurdman and she got stopped by the cops. We each got tickets for:
Solicit near vehicle on roadway
Soliciting to person in vehicle on roadway
Soliciting near a transit roadway

Each one is for $65, but two were warnings so technically only one was a ticket.

I crashed at her place that night, and the next day we were thinking fondly of our friend Auggie Ben Doggie, who is currently in Windsor, of all god-forsaken places! We're hoping he'll come back soon to visit cause we miss him a lot.

Today (Wednesday) I got my ticket!! I'm officially going to VANCOUVER!! Whoo-hoo!! So I'm leaving on Saturday. I asked my mom if she'll wire me some money so I can have a couple bucks for the trip. I'm really worried that I'll be dopesick the whole way -- I can't imagine a worse hell than being in a bus seat dopesick. So I have to either pan up a storm in the next few days or figure something out.

Anyway, much love to you all, hope you had a good Thanksgiving. I have a five hour stopover in Winnipeg so I'll try and blog along the way.

JM

Brush with Fame! Bruch with HR (twice!)! Brush with Spy! Brush with homophobia!

2009-10-09T21:28:00.005-04:00

"Cozied up to the toilet Face stuck to the floor
I met expectations that I was tryin to ignore
Job had such patience I wonder, what's that like?
If it gets you down well then I'll take it
If it gets you up well I don't want it
It let you down so broken hearted
If it gets you down well then I want it
If only we're nothing at all
So blow our mind and make it lazy
Those long long days with no escaping
I hold the wheel to let it go
Don't wanna stop, don't wanna know
If it gets you down, well just don't blame me."
-I Was a Teenage Hand Model & If Only Everything - Queens of the Stone Age

-- written Oct 9 @ approx. 10pm --
So I ran into many friends today that I haven't seen in forever. First of all, in the afternoon, I was hanging out at my local methadone clinic (though I don't take the program I hang out with people that do, and they typically hang around the clinic for a bit and then hit the nearest Timmy's). But today it was relatively quiet, and when someone called my name from a nearby car, I couldn't tell who it was (no contacts) until I got close and then - gasp! - it's the reclusive zoom! from http://www.knitnut.net/ ! How wonderful! I haven't seen her in quite a while and we talked about the current projects I'm doing and how she's doing too (she's had some health scares recently).

We talked about this blog and I told her how amazed and pleased I have been with the positive reader response, who came on reccommendation of zoom herself, and I wanted to be sure she felt putting her name on it was a positive thing (which I got the feeling it was). I care very deeply about her and it was truly amazing to see her smile light up. I also met again her partner GC - a very sweet man who always has a smile to share too.

Soon afterwards, I dropped in on my good friend Sarah who runs a local exchange that I use. We talked about a research study she's helping facilitate, which is looking at the viability of a safer consumption site in Ottawa. Last year, I helped facilitate the precursor to this study, which was run by Lynne Leonard, who is an amazing person and very good professor at the University of Ottawa. She has done a lot of work on drug policy in the past and she was an amazing person to work with. I was chosen to facilitate the youth focus groups. I personally recruited 3 or 4 young crack smokers and injection drug users. It was really cool and Sarah is currently participating, and I wish I could be there with her!

I went to go see SITE to get some clean equipment and to get the second shot in my Hep B vaccine. It was supposed to be on Sep. 17th but .... I procrastinated. I got my shot and my third and final one is on April 9th 2010! Let's hope I remember!

Later in the day I rung up my old buddy (like from the high school days) Mike, who we call Spy because when we met him he used to wear a fedora and trenchcoat, and he had such a heavy Polish accent we thought he could pass as a spy. He and I picked up some junk, got high and played music all night. I also hung out with my buddy Matt the day before and did essentially the same thing, but we recorded a song I've been writing and we're going to keep working on it. I'll upload it when it's done so y'all can hear it.

-- written Oct 10 @ 5 pm --

So last night on my way home from Spy's place, I missed the last number 4 and had to take the Transitway home. I recently updated my wardrobe to include a tight red and black striped sweater and one of those new hip touques with the baseball visor sewn in. Plus I was wearing my converse, and all in all I was styled (in some people's eyes, anyway, cause I don't think so) like an 'emo kid'. A lot of university aged self-styled gangsters label these kids as immediately being gay and seem to have a whole lot of smackdown ready for them. So I got off at Hurdman to transfer buses, and a group of these gangster kids had been making comments on the first bus, which I studiously ignored. After getting off the bus the hazing continued unabated, including gems like "Go suck a dick, you fucking emo-ass faggot!" and "Go back to gay-town, motherfucker.", and how could I forget, "Fuckin' faggot fucker wearing that gay-ass sweater, fuckin' get some real clothes you faggot!"

Now, I'm not gay -- if I were, I'd say it openly and proudly. I've had my share of experimentation, and I know I'm straight. I work in a queer-, sex-, and woman-positive workplace, and I am patently against all forms of discrimination. I've been stereotyped as gay before, but never been bashed as such. However, this time I was actually kind of afraid, despite the fact that I'm six foot seven and Norwegian -- it doesn't matter how tough you are when you're getting curb-stomped by six raging roid monkeys.

So I waited for their bus to come, which thank God came relatively quickly, and then got on the bus afterward. As luck would have it, their bus must have been running early and dong lay-up because my bus ended up right behind theirs when I got off at Bank Street -- apparently their stop also. The words came out freely as before, even with quite a few people around. I was less afraid that they'd attack with so many people around, so I finally started letting them have it. "Fuck the fuck off or I'll fucking snap and wipe the ground with you homophobes!" We screamed back and forth a bit until one of them came over "to talk," he reassured me. Well I don't fall for that so easy anymore, and I kept my distance. But he finally backed me in to a corner, smoked me right in the side of the head and then walked off.

As you can imagine, I've been punched before, and hard. But this was a whole new world of punches, and I was almost knocked unconscious. Not one -- not even an old lady -- stopped to see if I was okay, because I was obviously a dirty, street-crawling degenerate drug addict (you can tell them by the way they look). This actually was a benefit because I sure as hell didn't walk to talk to cops and people seem to think calling them helps in a situation like that. I groggily got up and stumbled home. Today my head was throbbing but there doesn't seem to be any lasting damage.

So I went and flew a sign like I do every day, made my money, scored, and then walked all the way downtown just to finish my blog post :) -- see? I'm committed.

I'm almost ready to leave for Vancouver, I'm going to have to somehow raise about $100 for the trip out there, so I'll probably spend my last two days here panning from sunrise to sunset, which is a very tiring & belittling thing to do, as you're treated like shit all day. But that way I'll be able to comfortably make the trip instead of being in the hell that is called withdrawal.

So, just to plug it once more, go read http://www.knitnut.net/ and enjoy! And Thanks again zoom! for all the readers & support!

Yours in all truth

Conversation Snippet

"Yeah, well, my cat can play baseball!!" -Rideau McDonalds

ACO! NY TImes! Home Alone 2! Social Experimenting!

2009-10-08T14:49:00.005-04:00

"hey it's alright my life has never been a bed of roses this way's better for me.
I don't care to live the life I've chosen. anyway, yeah
hey it's alright my life has always been a sad emotion. don't feel sorry for me.
feeling sorry has been my last emotion. anyway, yeah
here we are.
the sentiment's the same my friends. screw you
the sentiment's the same, it always was."
- Bed of Roses, Mindless Self Indulgence

So the past few days have been rather eventful. My dad finally sent out an e-mail update on his condition in the hospital; he fell from a ladder on September 20th and really mashed up his feet. He's had a plate and screws installed to hold it all together and he's supposed to be back at home now. So I think he's doing alright.

I watched Home Alone 2 last night and realized that the scene in which Kevin is walking thru New York at night basically reinforces every stereotype about the impoverished/homeless. They all seem to be insane, and dangerous, and dirty, etc. As I was thinking about this, in the next few scenes the writers redeem themselves a bit because he meets the pidgeon lady who he becomes friends with, and of course, she's a normal human being with a past like us all. In some of the scenes I was just bawling because they really do show that there's magic in us all, no matter who you are or what you do -- you have something special to show to the world.

Last Thursday was the Ottawa Innercity Ministries' Art Auction, in which a whole lot of my friends were able to dress up fancy, and auction off their art to lawyers, business-types, etc. I'll try to post some pictures if I can get consent. I was wearing very, very tight outfit, if I do say so myself. I had an Italian silk pink dress shirt with matching pink/black striped tie & blazer, with black dress pants. They trimmed my hair and styled it... I was playing guitar and singing in one of the art rooms and got a very positive response! Was very, very cool... and I think they might actually be paying me for it tonight!!! Here's to hoping.

I've been hanging out with my super-cool friend Michelle Ball of the AIDS Committee of Ottawa. We've been talking a lot about drug issues in society and as always, the staff here are always showing me that no matter how open-minded I try to be, there's always something inside my head that I never realized was there... for example, I still have to work on my attitudes towards women in the sex trade. I have been taught by certain agencies that they are 'victims' of society / the system, and that they have no choice but to do what they do... however, the truth is that %80 of the sex trade is non-street work, and that a huge majority of women are there by their own choice.

Also, my trip to Vancouver is almost finalized. I will be sure to give updates on what I'm learning at the conference and share with you, my readers, what the Downtown East Side is like for a visiting junkie... let's see if it's really full of twisted psycho addicts who kill for money (though I'm pretty sure I'm just going to meet some really cool people).

Other than that, things have been alright, I'm in a pretty good mood today.
Take care all!

Snippets of Conversations:
"..had like Charles Manson eyes."
"Did he have like, one leg?"
"No but some of them did..."

Money-making puke! Random lecturers!

2009-10-06T14:12:00.003-04:00

On Saturday night, I was, as usual, panning on Elgin. I think I had made two or three dollars when, suddenly and rather disgustingly, this guy puked up a rather foul potpourri of vodka, and what looked like poutine, about three and a half feet in front of me. (I was sitting in front of the Starbucks on Elgin). I was rather pissed at first, and I told the guy off. But he was already stumbling away and in his own little world.

I started to warn people about it so they wouldn't step in it, and wouldn't you know it -- people thought I was performing a public service! I made like $40 in less than an hour -- a personal record for sitting and panning! Who would have thought alcohol-soaked fries would be such a blessing?

The previous night I was panning in the same spot, and it was raining -- that chilly, cut-to-the-bone rain that everyone associates with October and November. Damn I was cold! This guy stumbled out of Woody's Pub (right next to the Starbucks) and walked over to me.

"Hey man," he slurred, "Do you want a cigarette?"
"Do you have to ask?"

So he gives me a few of his smokes, I think it was three or four, but unfortunately they were Peter Jackson Menthols. Another girl gave me two B&H's at the same time, so while he wasn't looking I quickly lit one of those and stubbed out the menthol. He read my sign, which I believe said "Broke & Hungry -- Space Change? -- Thanks!" or something to that effect. (It now reads, for those of you who want to donate, "Starving Musician -- Broke/Hungry -- Anything Helps! -- Thanks/God Bless) He squatted down beside me, and away we went.

"You know, it's a really simple thing," he continued, the ochre of his beer breath almost overwhelming.
"What is?"
"The only person in life who can change anything for you is yourself. You just gotta get up and do it!"

Despite being heavily intoxicated, he was making some pretty profound statements. He told me how he had been on the street when he first came to Ottawa, and now he works for the Bank of America.

"Do you WANT to work? No, no, seriously... do you WANT to work?" he asked, about 100 times.
"Yes, I would LOVE to work," I reply each time, "I just have no ID, and unstable housing." I didn't mention my drug use because it was hard to tell his views on that at that point.

He goes back in after a few minutes, and returns with a $5 bill and some more smokes, this time from one of his friends.

"I noticed you weren't smoking the menthols, so I got you some normal smokes."

How the hell did he notice that?

"I want you to come in and have a beer with me and my friends. No, seriously, get up. And come inside!"

It didn't take a whole lot of convincing, and almost simutaneously the beat cops walked by and told me to move it along. So I went and met his two friends, a very gorgeous 28-year-old blonde whose name I can't remember, and a guy named Sean who created his own business in creating "Business Contingency Plans" -- essentially, what happens in your company if the CEO gets hit by a bus? Can someone step in, immediately, and pick up his job? What's the plan if there's a structural problem in your building? Is there somewhere you can relocate without losing important databases, etc.?

I thought they were a very cool bunch, and they continued the speech on how easy it is to get a job, etc. They all took my email and promised to try and send some labour work my way, which was very kind of them, only I'm pretty sure they woke up the next day wondering, "Who the hell is this Max guy and why do I have his e-mail address?"

On another exciting note, I'm FINALLY going to Vancouver! It's for the CSSDP's (Canadian Students for a Sensible Drug Policy) Annual Conference, this year titled Blueprints for Beyond Prohibition. I'll be leaving on the 17th and returning 10 or so days later. I'm taking the Greyhound, which is a three day trip each way, leaving me with only 3 days there! But I'm still really excited -- the CSSDP is paying for my trip and accomodations. I've worked with the CSSDP before, most notably when we stormed Parliament Hill with Libby Davies in February 2007 to host a lobby day against bill C-26 (now bill C-15 -- mandatory minimum sentences); and also when I spoke with Michelle Ball of the AIDS Committee of Ottawa about Youth & Harm Reduction Strategies at their annual conference last year in Ottawa.

Anyways, I'll try and update at least once more this week.
Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment, and tell me how I can improve!

First post!

2009-10-03T15:46:00.004-04:00

A white teenager giving up his seat for an elderly black lady -- I'm on the 101 eastbound, and standing near the front of the bus when the aforementioned happened.

I was momentarily distracted from my study of a gorgeous redhead -- she got on at the same stop that I did and dazzled me with a coy smile when I waited for her to board first, so it was quite an accomplishment for me to tear my eyes away at all. I may have been the only person on the bus who saw this simple action as profound. However, I get the feeling that the lady was probably deeply happy on the inside -- Rosa Parks would have been proud. And the teenage boy who gave up his seat? Didn't even think twice about it. I think that the pessimists who believe that there is no modern decency are wrong, and simple yet amazingly profound actions such as these surround us every day. We tend to take them for granted, but I don't. At the very least, I try not to. Let's take a look at a situation where maybe there should have been more modern decency.

Yesterday I was flying a sign (panhandling to cars at an intersection) at Hurdman, when a lady called me over to her van. She was in her mid-60s, I guessed, and seemed rather distraught. I immediately ran over and she told me that she was lost. She seemed on the verge of tears, and it slowly became apparent why. Having worked with people with Alzheimer's beforehand, I could tell within about thirty seconds that she was not fit to drive and the people who care for her were probably frantically trying to locate her. She kept asking me how to get back to Alta Vista, because if she could get there she'd know where she was. I explained that we were very close to Alta Vista, and I asked her to pull onto the shoulder so that I could give her more detailed directions. At this point, perhaps two or three cars had lined up behind her (this is on the opposite side of the road from where I was panning). An impatient and rather rude man started leaning on his horn -- causing this dear lady quite a bit of anxiety. I told her again to pull onto the shoulder, which she did, and I got off the road so these cars could go by. The horn-leaner drove by and yelled at me to "Get a fucking job you worthless piece of shit!" and he told the lady to "Go fuck yourself you old cunt!" When I walked back up to the window, the lady was wiping away tears, and it took her a second to remember that she had been talking to me. I gave her my biggest smile (which in the face of Alzheimer's took quite a bit of bravery on my part -- I get so sad around people suffering from it that I just like to bawl) and assured her that I would make sure she got home safely. She recognized the post office and that seemed to calm her down. Normally, I hate seeing police cars when I'm flying a sign (and we'll get into a lot more detail about that later, trust me!) but I flagged one down and explained the situation to the cop. He basically told me that I was probably making too many assumptions, and told me to get the fuck out of there. I reiterated that I was quite sure she needed help, and he rolled up his window and turned on his sirens/lights. She pulled away from the curb and drove off, probably scared out of her wits. The cop chased her off, and that's the last I saw of either of them.

So -- after having gone through all that, I returned to my median and proceeded to continue my job. It had put me in a very remorseful mood, and later on I stopped under a huge, old oak tree and said my form of prayer for the lady. (I use prayer very loosely) I just wanted to send her some positive energy and make sure she got home alright.

After hours of panning, I finally made $20 and was ready to score -- only my two regular suppliers were either pissed at me or not answering, so I was forced to do the unthinkable: look for opiates on Murray Street. Now, usually I don't mind going down to the Sheps, at least when my intentions are to eat and avoid the crack users. But when I go down there with money and looking for my stuff, people can smell it from a mile away. Immediately a lady was beside me, asking me if she could get me a $10 pill would I buy her a ten piece? I told her no about 5 times, each time hearing her repeat "No, eh? Oh well, how about..." Finally, I found a familiar face and was able to score some morphine. Not my favourite but I was so sick at the time that I didn't care. I actually overpaid but nowadays that's the story down there. A quick jaunt to YSB to get fits, and a hurried walk to the Rideau Centre left me feeling back to normal and ready to find something to do. I ran into some old friends, and we talked about an article I had recently ripped out of the Capital Xtra - "No Legal Solution: Finding a Way Out of the HIV Criminalization Loop". If you've read this article, I pray it was like me: nodding your head in total agreement the entire time. A close friend of mine, Michelle Ball from the AIDS Committee of Ottawa, is quoted in there. I highly recommend a read of this article.

Anyway, that's my first post. I hope you didn't rot of ennui or feel weird reading about my life. Because there's a lot more to come!